Yes, I am back to blogging here, in case you missed the reason and where I've been... I just posted THIS 5 minutes ago ... But lets get to the reason I really revived my blog

FOR RACE RECAPS OF COURSE!

Well, not really a "race" but basically for anything in my life that doesn't feel like it should be a 7 second reel and shouldn't have chracter limits. I think everyone is craving long form a bit... and while I don't expect many people to find this or read it all, I do know that I like to have it all in one place and in a place that is mine.

So if you're here for the recap of my bike ride keep reading, for updates on Botox- I've got that coming, too!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, My husbands Ironman was a huge inspiration for me and a really big eye opener to how much more I could be capable of. Not necessarily talented at but able to do and maybe even enjoy... Which, at 40 years old and after all the trauma my legs have put me through, that’s the best I can expect! I saw so many people walking large portions of the marathon in the Ironman and I thought "well, I can walk/run pretty well... maybe if I learn to bike I could do this too!"

But I'm still breastfeeding (for literally one more day at this point) and I would certainly need another round of botox to make that possible...and in the meantime I have never come anywhere near riding a bike for 112 miles... So my overarching goal for 2025 was "Time in Saddle" and my benchmarks to ensure I was doing that were 2 century rides and a gran fondo for the “race” aspect.

I never took the time to fully recap the gran fondo I did (a 55 mile "gravel" gran fondo... and to be honest, I'm still too traumatized to relive it! haha! IYKYK!) BUT it was key in making sure I never ever ever ever EVER showed up as unprepared as I was that day. It really got me much more focused on preparation and the idea that even though I didn't care about being "fast" or "good" at this new endeavor ... I still had to take it serious. The gravel race was in March and it was still quite cold, but as it got warmer and as my summer vacation approached I knew I needed to get a century ride in if I was ever going to manage to do 2. The only one that sort of fit in my very very jam packed schedule was the B2VT which is technically a 150 mile ride but had two other options that were shorter. The one I did was the second longest of the day and it was the iron distance. It met the criteria of the goal of a century ride, but I also thought it was cool to get the full distance of the bike portion of an Ironman. In hindsight, I could have done the full thing… but at the time, 150 was just a tad too much for me to wrap my head around with the time I had available to train. Despite signing up only 5 weeks before the event, I was always prepping for a late June or early July century ride... but when my daughters dance recital date was moved I knew I could do this one. I didn't LOVE that the peak of training would land on the hardest week of my year and I didn't LOVE that I still was going to be teaching when I had this event on the calendar... But I knew it was now or never because I had scheduled a botox for August, and I really didn't think I could fit 2 century rides in after botox. So... I signed up, and dialed in on the training as best I knew how.

I was a little nervous about doing something wrong. There were a lot of logistics in the athlete guide that intimidated me, but I had to remind myself that most people are doing a big point to point ride (Boston to Vermont) and need a shuttle home with their bike and gear... but I had Matt riding with the kids alongside me the whole way, which eliminated a significant amount of the logistics. Since I wasn't starting with an official group, It was kind of a casual rolling start. Literally! At the start of the 150 they went off in designated waves. The slowest riders (my group) start first and the fastest riders start last... This way the slower riders have more time on the roads and the finish does not need to stay open for as long. We drove to the 150 milers first rest area was and that was where my "race" began. I just had to start when I was ready.

It was raining so everyone’s bib numbers were covered. The numbers were color coded by the pace group you were expected to be in. I was supposed to be with the slowest riders because.... I'm slow.... but again, there was no official start for me. I had two goals for this event: One, was to learn to ride in a pace line or at least experience it. Two, was to not get picked up by the sag wagon (the wagon picks up those who fall behind the slowest pace group: 15MPH, and brings them to next rest area). When I signed up I was still intimidated by 15MPH for the distance (112 miles) and elevation (6,500ft), because at home I don't often ride that speed by myself, but at this point, I felt pretty confident in my training. I had hit the same elevation for 30 less miles so I figured with less percentage of climbing and a little energy conserved in a group, I'd be just fine. I just needed to get in a group, BUT there weren't really groups forming at the rest area like I hoped. I couldn't be picky and wait. It was raining and I didn't want to get cold. the moment I saw a group of 5-6 guys forming and clipping in, I asked what pace, they said 15MPH, and I took off with them. It was about 45 miles until the next rest area and the rain was scheduled to continue for the next 2.5 hours. The sun was not in the forecast at all. It was a gloomy start and everyone in that group seemed to already have low morale from the weather. I hung back and didn't engage in much conversation. The rain made everything very loud... so I just rode along. I did notice the ease of riding with a group, and was able to contribute at some point… but somewhere around mile 20 we hit a street light and I think the majority of the group went into a convenience store. I continued with two other guys... which quickly dwindled to me and one man named Ken.

I said to him "I have no idea what I'm doing, if you want I can switch with you, but you seem to be a stronger rider than I am" he said "I'm just going to go my own pace and if that works for you you can draft" I rode with him for the rest of this section. I mostly drafted off him but he had no computer and no radar so I was able to contribute by alerting to cars and upcoming climbs or turns. The rest area was just on the other side of the biggest climb of the day, a 3 mile gradual grind. Up until this point the ride had been pretty lonely. Just us two and occasionally a much stronger pace group that started later in the day would blow by us... But it was on that climb where we found carnage ... I wouldn't say I'm a great climber... but I will say I was very prepared to climb and unfazed by this section. The hill was long but the hills I face at home are much steeper and still pretty damn long. Ken seemed to be the same pace as me on climbs. We just gradually passed group after group for the next 3 miles and then we reached the top just as the rain stopped. A group of 4-5 of us rode the next few miles to the rest area together. I could NOT WAIT to get my dry socks on.

Rest area 2 was bumpin' ...
People from the 150 group were for sure relieved the rain had stopped. Everyone had their special needs bags here and I had Matt and the crew of little girls. There were lots of socks being changed, and jackets being removed, mine included. I wished I kept my official jersey in the bag and that it was dry… but I only had socks. I was cold, but it rained every weekend since March so I felt mostly sure I’d warm up. I put my jacket in my middle pocket just in case. Anyway... I thanked Ken and let him know my plan to continue. I already knew he did all his fueling at rest areas. Earlier he was intrigued by the amount of fuel I was taking during the ride. He was probably in his 60's and very “old school” and probably not up to date on this stuff. As a marathon coach, fueling was something I knew enough about to get right. It was an area I could control. In the future I’d love to experiment with real food, but gels and gummies were what I trained with. I don't typically stop for long on training rides so I just went to the bathroom, grabbed my spare scratch bottle from Matt and the girls, ate a chocolate bar and a caffeinated beverage and the moment I saw a group that also had a girl head out, I went for it. Turns out this group was from the Metric Century ride and they were just starting and man oh man I felt that! This section was hard! I learned the girl was a college cross country runner so we chatted a bit, but it became clear that she wasn't really training for this ride and was just doing this with her dad and maybe uncle or neighbor for Fathers Day. They had a nice pace group but the pace itself was chaotic. She was youthful and reminded me of a runner starting a marathon too fast. I just tucked in and then kept ending up pulling on the climbs. Many more joined our pace group including another girl, who was also doing the iron distance and who had the same color bib as me. She was with two guys: one probably a friend, and the other either her husband or boyfriend. He pointed out every detail in the road for her and not once was she in front of him. She always had someone to tuck right behind. *jealousy* haha! I tried to stick with them as much as I could and it was helpful for me too.

This section of the ride wiped me out a bit but was a really cool experience. Our pace group of now 7 ended up a pace group of 15-20 or more really fast. At this point everyone had ditched their jackets and we all had our matching jerseys on and color coded numbers. I wish I had access to my phone to take a picture because it did feel like a team effort and was the most fun part for me... even though I was dying a bit!! We were on the highway and had less space to pass. It wasn't raining anymore but it was an headwind with less tree protection. I still stuck further in the back, but slowly people would fall off the back and anytime there was a gap I would pass people to close it. I knew even though the pace was a touch fast for me, I needed to stay with this group in the wind and I could recover once we were off this open section. One by one the group in the back was slowly dwindling down but more people were being picked up in the front. I didn't know what each color stood for, but I knew my own so I knew I was theoretically the slowest in this group. I felt good overall, but the effort I was putting in on flats didn't seem to match the effort of most around me. On the hills, however, my effort would "catch up"... It didn't feel wise to pass people on the hills when they were clearly stronger on the flat ground, but my effort seemed to be less or at least the same as theirs and I was keeping up with more ease. It was one of the things that made this section hard; it felt out of rhythm with how I naturally ride. Maybe it's a smarter way to ride… I don’t have a power meter, so hard to say… but it was still something that was effecting me physically and mentally. I arrived at the next aide station and told Matt I think I wanted to ride the rest of the way myself. At this point my computer said I was averaging 15.8 MPH which was exactly what it said I averaged for the first section. I could afford to slow down since I wasn't taking a long time in the rest areas, but I also knew there was a lot of downhill coming up and I was MUCH more comfortable doing downhills away from other people. I just felt over stimulated and like the last 4 hours was a lot of learning and taking it all in. I just wanted time to just be. I just wanted to enjoy the ride now and chill out as much as one can with still 3 hours of riding left.

Honestly, this next section was miles 67-100. I forget a good chunk of it... which is awesome. I just got into a nice groove. I started to come back to life mentally and had momentum since I was now in the 50 miles to go mark. I decided I wanted to push myself and try getting closer to 16 MPH for the day. I started this section thinking I'd ease off, but really I just needed the space to focus on riding the way that felt right to me. The major thing I remember about this section is that I needed to really remind myself to fuel. Since I was pushing myself more, it was easy to lose track of time and the fatigue from the flavors and gels were setting in. It was work to think "hey, I should have another gel"... also my abs were tight enough that I questioned if it was my abs or stomach distress (it was my abs)... In my mind I was telling myself that I'm almost done now. That it's just a regular ride now... but I couldn't slack on fuel because it was not just a regular ride… I was HOURS in the hole with HOURS remaining.

There was going to be one more pretty big climb on this section. At this point there were a few groups I was beginning to recognize based on something silly like their socks or the hot pink handlebars or a really weird fancy helmet. One group in particular I had struggled to keep up with earlier in the ride would pass me and then they spent a lot of time at the rest area, so I'd pass them and then they'd pass me back. They caught up to me at one point, and then I was able to stay with them for quite a bit of time until they pulled over at a convenience shop before the big climb. It was starting to become clear that all the fuel I was taking in was definitely working. The entire ride I didn't see anyone taking gels actually on the bike. I'm sure it happened, but I never saw it. I saw it at all the rest areas but never during the ride. I'm literally taking a gel or gummies every 20-30 minutes and went through 2 scratch bottles and 2 3 musketeers bars. Maybe it's overkill... Or maybe if I did the full 150 I'd be bonking bad... But I was not bonking. I was feeling great! And I may have been technically slower than those around me… but I wasn’t slowing down and they were so I was feeling confident in my training and gaining momentum with each passing mile. There was a quick but steep hill right before mile 100 that took the wind out of my sails for a quick second. But to reach 100 miles was quite a feat! The rest was all downhill... Almost literally.

My first bike ride ever was 10 miles. I was so proud. I remember doing 15 like it was a big milestone. But here I am... "Only" 14 miles to go after already completing 100. At this rest area I unloaded any fuel I knew I didn't need and gave it to Matt. I took off the extra bottle, I took my jacket out of my back pocket, and basically tossed any extra weight overboard. My computer was saying I was averaging 15.9 MPH. I'm not good enough at math, but now with essentially no more major climbs, I thought it was possible I could get it to 16MPH for the average if I pressed the pace the rest of the way. I ate two or three potato chips from Raeas snack back.... damn that salt was amazing after so much sugar! And then I took off.

This last section anytime a group passed me, I'd assess if it was possible to get in with their group...even if just for a mile or two... and this helped! We were all starting to converge so I was passing a lot of people and a lot of people were passing me. The time flew by because you could feel the energy that everyone was excited to be almost there... and, it wasn't much, but there was just a touch of sunshine. There was one climb and a steep downhill. At this point I wasn't looking at the mileage on my computer, only pace. I had been holding steady at 16MPH average and went over the hill and bombed down... Then I realized I had to turn into the finish.

Somewhat anti-climatic because instead of a finish line like I"m accustomed to, there were signs warning us to slow down and be prepared to stop. So I rolled down the hill to the end of the cones and funneled in. I legitimately was going to be upset if my average said 15.9 because they forced me to slowdown to the finish, but I ended with 16.1! I actually beat Matt to the finish. He parked the car just in time to see me coming down the hill but no finishing content. I guess he can’t do it all. 😆.

The next day was fathers day... And wouldn't you know, my husband wanted to ride bikes... So in less than 24 hours I was back on the bike and feeling pretty good! I'm not sure whats next with cycling. Probably more watching it than participating (Tour de France, and Unchained!) but we'll see! I do know that I crave a real finish line. I crave competing and having my name somewhere official. The b2vt was great and I’d definitely do the full… but my heart still wants to race, and I totally suck at cycling… so off to Wyoming I go to see what else my legs have in store for me.

Well, 
per usual, I get distracted by a new platform and try to gain interest or traction somewhere else... It seems long form is making a comeback... but substack just wasn't for me and this whole idea to start a platform "Moving through Motherhood" I had in 2024 was born from a place of fear. I was afraid to go back to work so I was scrambling to see if there was any other way to make money... but honestly I HATE the idea of relying on other people to judge me in order to be successful. I like to write and create for me and changing that would have been weird and probably made me feel insecure for a reason that I am very much too old (and wise) for. SO here I am, trying to pick up where I left off and fill in the blanks for anyone-especially anyone with PAES- that finds me. 
​

 Overall it was a great year and a half. I don't think I can manage to keep up with blogging on a weekly basis... but every time I thought I wanted to blog, the fact that my last post was a "farewell" and that I "moved" to substack held me back. Now that it's summer I'm setting things back on track and I've got a big achievement to recap, and a big appointment coming up to share my progress through... so now I'm ready! 

I created a substack today, January 1, but reading it’s involved in a controversy (research first Caitlyn!) I’d like a way to have subscribers like that platform has, but having my own domain and my own platform is power… so I’ll keep copy pasting in both until I learn more or figure out another plan.

Here’s my first substack (with some edits)… which is mostly review… but my goal on substack is the be more brief, so i can write more.

2023… What a year.

I announced my pregnancy with my third child after two miscarriages on Christmas morning 2022. At the start of 2023 I was anxiously sorting through my feelings and the complexity of it all.

After all, I was 38 years old, my youngest was about to turn 6, we were pretty certain we were good with the two we had (well, we didn’t know what we didn’t know) and I had spent literally 4+ years deteriorating. A runner my whole life, competitive one at that, my whole identity had been built around high achievement in athletics. Dealing with increasing leg pain, deteriorating muscles, cold, numb, tingling feet, ischemia, and eventually an inability to run 30 seconds, walk up stairs, or stand on my tiptoes to reach the top shelf without a jolt of lighting down the backs of my legs. In 2021 I learned it is Popliteal Artery Entrapment Syndrome… advanced to the point that I had 100% occlusion with plantar flexion and nerve entrapment that caused damage and took a year of “freedom” to feel normal again

Surgical options were bleak, especially with limited hospital availability during a pandemic, so I gambled with Botox. The start of 2022 I had finally made progress by injecting 400 units of into my poor legs for the third time (third time’s a charm) and running the Boston Marathon (which I maintained a qualification for for three years due to the pandemic)…….

Then accidental pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage that resulted in a planned pregnancy that also resulted in miscarriage, that resulted in Iris.

It had been about a year from my last Botox treatment and I had over a year to go because it is not approved while pregnant or breastfeeding and that is a sacrifice I was committed to score we agreed for one last try at pregnancy number 5. Contrary to the anxiety I felt in the first quarter of the year where I felt like I was breathing through a straw and couldn’t see an inch in front of my nose, I have a really wide angle view now… but every now and then the competitive athlete boils over, strikes a match and I pour gas on the stoked flames.

In 2023 I exercised 309/365 days. That means I averaged just a hair more than 1 day off per week. Half of those days I was pregnant, the other half I was postpartum and nursing a baby who I had to eliminate dairy, soy, beef, whey (and I can’t have nuts), with a vascular leg condition! I set a goal to lose weight (since I gained so much when my legs were at their worst) and am 10 pounds under my pre pregnancy weight. I’ve gone to PT weekly, therapy bi-weekly, gone to the chiropractor monthly, and have worked really hard to be the best mother I can be and somehow my Athlete Brain defaults to “not enough”…

Because “…if it’s not at least 50 miles a week you’re not serious, and if you don’t run at least 3 miles it doesn’t count, and if the weight isn’t heavy enough that 10 reps gasses you, it’s not worth it… you may have walked 15,000 steps today trying to clean the house and get a baby to settle, but it doesn’t count. Also all those calories you though you burned breastfeeding probably was a high estimate, and why aren’t you sleeping more? That’s why your legs hurt, you fool! …. Anything other than what you’re doing is better than what you’re doing!”

Gaslighting may have been the 2022 “Word of the Year” but in a stable loving relationship, I didn’t have much use for it… until 2023 when I realized It’s me, Hi, I’m the gaslighter (it’s me)…
I’ve lit myself of fire for years. No. DECADES… saying the pain I felt in my legs wasn’t real… I wasn’t tough enough. I wasn’t trying hard enough, I was wasted talent and that I deserved failure. I deserved the pain. I deserved the losses and the condition… and that 309 days of working out while pregnant or postpartum and breastfeeding with a vascular leg condition that a doctor literally told me I could never run a marathon with (and I did) wasn’t enough.

I’ve worked hard to change my perception and the content I create or consume to speak more to the person I’m trying to become (and I never ever think this about others… so why do I about myself?)

I want to be patient, I want to honor my body, my needs, and meet myself where I am physically and mentally. I want to exercise in a way that energizes me and doesn’t leave me in pain and angry. I have goals! I still hold big athletic pursuits close to my chest and when I turn 40 at the end of 2024 those will already be set in motion for 2025… but for this year?
Farewell flames that I poured gasoline on. I will rise from the ashes with an ember glow leaving me unrecognizable and hidden from my own judgmental eye …

​
At least I hope.

​

It's been a while since I've blogged. I've been a little busy... ya know... taking care of a baby while trying to take care of and heal myself. The fourth trimester is known as the 12 weeks following the birth of baby. I'm in my 20th week postpartum, so technically after the 4th trimester, I guess I must magically be back to normal because that's where society (at least in the US) stops counting and everything resumes. Life keeps spinning on. I guess you could say I'm in the 5th trimester... but everything beyond the "4th" trimester is just my life now. So although I haven't been updating the blog, a lot has happened and I'm hoping to start blogging more, and sharing more of my experience postpartum and the status of my PAES without botox. I also have mostly stopped dumping my feelings on instagram… so they gotta go somewhere!

​But then the Ironman came and went and August, a month of Sunday Scaries for teachers, just flew by. I technically only was allowed to take 8 weeks between the birth of Iris to recover before returning to work... But that meant my entire summer vacation was my "maternity leave" no vacation at all. Technically it’s against the law in Massachusetts for vacation days to be used as leave (because maternity leave is not a vacation!!) but a common misconception is that teachers get summer vacation when in reality they are just days we aren’t contracted to work. calling the summer vacations would be the equivalent of calling weekends part of vacation. They are simply days outside my contractual obligations. So since the previous summer was pregnancy and loss… and the summer before that was my second Botox injection (which more or less seemed like it failed), and the summer before that I spent teaching remote summer school and trying to learn every possible tool i could use to teach online, I haven’t had a break in a while… and now I’m not really getting this break, either. I was feeling so fried and as school approached my anxiety was in my throat. My therapy increased and rehashing all the past between covid and shut downs, threats of losing my legs, the pain and loss of a core part of my identity, having a surprise pregnancy followed by two miscarriages and now a healthy baby girl... I don't know. Whiplash isn't a bold enough description of what I had yet to process.

I wasn't sleeping, Iris initially showed promos. But she started vomiting almost every time she ate and was congested so badly! So I often watched her breathe at night. We didn't know if it was the bottle, how fast my milk was coming, or reflux. There were times in the middle of the night I swore she turned purple from not breathing but Matt assured me I was imagining it and it was shadows great m the dimmed nightlight (which I’m still sleeping with!). Anytime I fell asleep I was waking up panicking and throwing blankets off the bed because I was experiencing intrusive thoughts that she was in the bed suffocating (which she wasn't)... The miscarriages forever changed me. The worry didn't stop at Iris. I started having intrusive thoughts about myself crossing the street, or cars accidentally driving into our yard and hitting the big girls, or smashing through the bay window whike Iris slept on the floor. There was a bear in our yard once, so fear of letting the kids outside was intense… worse, I started googling; Do bears open doors? It wasn't just thoughts it was visions of these graphic things happening. During the day I could mostly forget about it or distract myself and take comfort in people around me acting like everything was fine (so it must be?) but when I closed my eyes I could see vivid and scary images and because I was so sleep deprived it started getting hard to tell what was me asleep and what was me awake. Physically, I was healing great, reminded how good I looked often… but below the surface the pressure of work pressing on my chest made it harder and harder to breathe.

Some of the fears were maybe normal "maternal instincts"... but they grew into what was clearly unhealthy and the idea of going back to work was looming and felt like a boulder on my chest causing panic attacks. If I couldn't have eyes on Iris making sure nothing was happening, I defaulted to the worst. Because the thoughts were occurring so frequently and involuntarily, when presented with real scenarios where I had to make decisions I had these patterns of negativity and worry I couldn’t over ride. Finally, after a tearful therapy session, it was decided that I needed more time off. As I've shared a little here, I have been a risk to myself in the past, especially when I'm still missing my core coping mechanism. I was exercising daily but not significantly and from past experience, I know that even the slightest pain in my legs triggers such a massive spiral... that on top of postpartum disorders and sleep deprivation? I just couldn't take that chance. I can't have my legs treated until after I’m done breastfeeding which the WHO recommends two years now....( I am hoping for at least 1 year like my other two kids)… so given my leg condition and history with prolonged PPA and PPD, to preserve my mental wellbeing, I'm taking the year off from teaching unless going back to work proves to be better for my mental health... until then I'm a temporary SAHM. The Friday before school started I got an approval notice from HR.
It took a while to get into a groove. The girls go to the school I teach at and it's 40 minutes from our house so initially between Matt and I it was 3 hours in the car driving to and from and to and from… but each of us took a shift which made it manageable… but once his travel started I was doing it all by myself. Planning breastfeeding around car naps and pimp sessions, and hoping she doesn’t throw up or choke over her gag reflex in the car. It was just way too much of my day! So one of my coworkers lives nearby and we were able to get her to drive the girls to school in the morning so poor little Iris wasn't living in her carseat. She developed Plagiocephaly (flat head) that just finally has started to work itself out now that she's not in the carseat so much and can move around. This was a pretty big step because the car seats of all three kids have been an area of obsession. We of course installed car seats in the car they go to school in, but relinquishing a little control was a big step, as my therapist reminded me. It's mid November and I'm just now feeling like I can breathe a little better (still not sleeping, but maybe someday!)
​

My primary fitness goal has been to lose weight. Prior to getting pregnant I was able to run 10 miles at a decent pace with the Lever System taking 45lbs off. I gained about 45lbs when I was misdiagnosed during Covid before I even got pregnant... So if I could get back to my "pre-pandemic" weight theoretically I could run on my own two feet again someday. I have never been successful at changing my diet. I guess I don't have much discipline, but this was my number one goal so I was on the lookout for a way I could be accountable with that goal. I want to write a more detailed post on this once I do this “summary” /recap, but a lot of the emotional weight I carried felt intertwined with the physical weight so losing weight feels like a good path to healing most of what I'm consistently struggling with.

I enrolled in a breastfeeding study and was selected to be in the intervention group. The intervention group has to eat 8-10 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. The study delivers a bag of vegetables to my doorstep every week and I have a check in with a nutritionist every week. All I have to do to stay in the study and get these perks is eat fruits and veggies, keep a food log, provide 4 milk and baby stool samples a year, and keep breastfeeding. It seemed easy enough, but sometime in October, Iris was falling of her growth curve for weight and approaching that “failure to thrive” diagnosis. She was happy all the time, but spitting up often and a couple times a week projectile vomiting. I questioned my weight loss goal, questioned eat by so many fruits and veggies, felt like I caused this! But then we had her stool examined and she was diagnosed with a cows milk protein allergy. So after having a little pity party thinking I was going to have to stop breastfeeding (which is something I truly love and don't want to stop prematurely and for sure would have caused a spiral), and lose the perks and accountability of being in this study... I started reading and researching and decided to go all in and give up dairy, soy, beef and whey protein. The funny part is it always amazes me how quick i could give up Reece’s PB cups once I was allergic. Cheese was one of the more calorically dense foods I consumed… goodbye cheese. It hasn’t been as hard as I thought. It lines up well with the breastfeeding study, but it’s a lot of label reading! It took a few weeks but little by little Iris stopped spitting up and as she started gaining weight more appropriately... I've continued to lose it. I've been really thankful to be home during this time because I spend so much of my day learning how to prepare different foods and figuring out what I can eat and what will work for the whole family. The difference it's made in Iris has me feeling so proud of myself, I’ve made steady (not drastic) weight loss and weigh the least I've weighed since 2021.

During pregnancy I had a peloton streak going. I kept up with it for a while missing only 1 day (the Boston Marathon) since January 1st but my streak ended just shy of 100 straight days again. Sometime around Matts Ironman I just forgot one day... and one day quickly spiraled… but I started it back up again and was doing hard bike rides (power zones) on a regular basis once cleared to do so... I was lifting 4 x a week…and I’ll admit, initially it was the first time in my life I looked at what I was burning as a way to eat more food later (cheese cheese cheese!)... but then the week Iris was diagnosed with CMPA (Cows milk protein allergy) I took off from exercise completely and I think have since found a bit more balance between the calorie counting and corresponding food and exercise. It’s almost impossible to go too far over calories for the day with 8-10 servings of fruits and veggies and no dairy, beef of soy. So I needed the week to process and make sure I was eating enough to still produce milk for Iris and have energy to exercise. I had to find supplements for calcium and vit D and just find stability again! Now that I’m exercising again, it’s proven to be a bit harder because she’s learned to roll all over the floor, so it’s not as simple as when she’s just kickin’ around. I've kept myself in a slight calorie deficit everyday but it feels really sustainable and none of my exercise is determined by calories. At this point I don’t feel the need to calculate in as much detail. I have recently started walking and think that will be my main form of exercise with strength training built in. Iris is getting heavier, and I’m definitely feeling it in my shoulders and back… my initial pelvic floor healing was great, but as I’ve added impact from walking and I’m finding more gaps to fill in or figuring out where I fatigue and how to address the issue. It seems like the healing will ebb and flow a bit. I can’t believe at 6 weeks postpartum I used to just start training. No wonder I’ve been so effed up!

After Iris was born I went to the chiropractor weekly and gradually reduced it to monthly. Once I hit the 6 week Postpartum mark, I went to my pelvic floor PT and have been going weekly until just last week I was switched to twice a month. So much of my groin pain from when I had Maebel is being resolved this time around. It's a lot of micro-movements, but my body really hasn't been right for 6 years. The original theory on my legs was that it was related to this groin issue. I'm sure it's not *the* issue since the scans were so clearly PAES, but now I am wondering if it was made worse by the fact that my pelvis was so unbalanced? I'm not running anytime soon but really curious to see how it goes when I get there since the stability of my pelvis has been so atrocious for the better part of the last decade. It’s getting better. I have so much hope it will be better than ever! I've never worked so hard at something in my life! But I took the year off from work to "heal myself" and I’m just now realizing how many layers there are to be to that process. It's all connected. The PT's both talk a lot about the nervous system, and the more I learn the more I realize that some of my pain is maintained by old memories and habits. It's *not* in my head, but it might be exaggerated by old patterns. I'm working on interrupting signals and not giving them as much response as I typically would. I also learned that even generalized stress sends signals to the calves or the groin since that is where it's so used to going. So that's why even when I'm not running and I've had a particularly stressful day, my calves and body feels so fragile. I'm working on interrupting and rerouting those signals, but spending time lowering my cortisol will be important. Sleep someday will also be nice!

I was doing therapy weekly initially, but the amount of appointments for all of the above was adding stress so I now have PT and Therapy on alternating weeks so that I can manage it better. Self care is a lot of commitment and a big investment, but I feel like I'm slowly becoming myself again. I feel excited for things and motivated without caffeine abuse, and I can get through a day without needing to pop 4 advils (It’s a good thing no one ever gave me something stronger). And as of now I’m not taking any medication. Exercise actually has good research with depression and anxiety, and right now I’m stable enough and excited about my progress enough that i don’t want to introduce any other factor. I’m not against it by any means… but don’t feel it’s the best path for me, right now.

what I’ve learned is each individual experience I’ve gone through put in isolation, is not so bad… but therapy is helping me stop gaslighting myself into believing I’m just being a wuss about it all. Just like training for a marathon: cumulative fatigue. It’s never one workout that will tip you over the edge to “overtraining” or injury… its stress over time. And when I look at the last 6 years, I have yet to stop treading water and recover. I’m just now starting to.

I'm hoping to blog more often so that I can write with better quality and no just do quick summaries... but just to catch things up I had to do this post. To anyone with PAES, the Botox is mostly maintaining it's effectiveness for normal day-to-day. For anyone postpartum... Take the time off you can! Don't gaslight yourself into thinking your worries and fears and anxieties are "normal" and shouldn't be met with compassion and understanding (from both society and yourself) To anyone with CMPA, follow me on instagram- I've been saving things I'm eating in my story highlights! 

I’m one month postpartum, and from before I even had Iris, my main goal for the one month mark was to be healed and fit enough to “Sherpa” Matt’s Ironman with three kids. This meant taking it really easy while also getting to work on reconnecting with my core ASAP. Since I had so much knowledge from prior experience, my physical body has healed better than any other pregnancy and as a result I was able to walk all over town, and manage the kids while supporting my Ironman. I did not do this alone, though! Special thanks to Jeff, Jack, Chris, Frank, Sarah, Mandy and Matt’s coach Cyle for supporting Matt and/or me during the event! Each person served a key role in making the day a positive and memorable experience.

My husband is no longer on social media so I took it upon myself, with his permission, to share his story. In this blogpost I took the multi-part instagram posts and combined them so they are all together in one spot and so he can access and share with a link if he wants (also professional photos came in and I was too impatient to wait for them when I shared on Instagram so I want to rectify that with this post!)

I’m so proud of him and all he’s overcome and accomplished. The Ironman is just the physical representation of the depth of the well he is willing to go to for the things, and people, he cares about.

​We are beyond lucky.

After my miscarriages when Matt and I discussed trying for a baby one last time, he thought his goal of doing an Ironman was probably not going to happen. But I had just taken the absolute craziest Road to Boston, and he supported me every step of the way…(even when it felt like we were gambling our whole life savings on a Hail Mary trip to a Wyoming for botox …. Which actually worked!)… so I encouraged him to sign up for Lake Placid and told him we’d figure it out...

I was an absolute anxious mess most of pregnancy which made him uneasy leaving me for long stretches of the the day training for multiple disciplines. But, if there was **one thing** I could give back to him for all the support he gave me in the last years and months while I was at my absolute lowest, it was holding the fort down for his blocks of training. When he got home, though, he would immediately shoulder the rest of the load because this pregnancy was really hard for me.. mentally and physically.

I’d like to say it was a team effort, but I only had the bandwidth for the bare minimum. He did it ALL; cooking nearly every dinner, mowing the lawn, making sure the girls had their lunches made for school, reading stories for bedtime and homework because I had reached my “teaching quota” for the day… he made sure to get up early enough that he didn’t miss seeing the girls and I go to school.. and stayed up late to pretend to enjoy my crap TV choices so I didn’t sit by myself. He also got a promotion during this time to the Regional Sales Director for the brand On, which everyone now knows about in part due to his hard work for the last 7 years. He only missed three workouts the entire time, and one was the day Iris was born.

He’s been stronger than a rock for us, he’s been Iron. The goal is obviously to finish… but to us he’s already an Ironman.

Completing an Ironman is a huge achievement for anyone, but it’s been extra inspiring to watch Matt make progress.

Maybe we should have done this before signing up, but after he registered, the first thing we did was check the cutoff time for the swim with one very pivotal question: Could he make it? The cutoff was 2 hours and 20 minutes. Matt couldn’t swim more than a couple lengths of the pool in what looked like the equivalent of a child trying to transition from doggy paddle to freestyle for the first time.

Many people don’t know, but Matt has a physical disability. When he was three years old he was involved in an accident that almost cost him his life. He required record breaking time under anesthesia, blood transfusions, skin and vein grafts; months and months of surgeries and overnight stays. Fortunately, especially for us, he didn’t lose his life, but instead lost significant function of his left arm limiting his extension to 90 degrees. Additionally, he lost three fingers and the ability to bend his index finger. This puts him at quite a disadvantage in the swim which was the first task.

Matt is pretty strong on the bike. Anytime we went for a drive anywhere in a 20 mile radius of his childhood home, so many landmarks were paired with a memory of him riding there, with his late father, as a kid.

He always talks about riding bikes like it was his first love. As he grew, being asymmetrical on the bike for so long was causing back pain, so his dad made a big investment into a custom bike with uneven handlebars to accommodate his arm, but his legs eventually outgrew the frame. It wasn’t going to work for 112 miles.

Matt was fortunate enough to acquire a bike from a friend who had recently upgraded and was having trouble selling his bike since the frame is so large. Matt may not be 6’5” but this frame was perfect for his 36” inseam. We were able to get it fitted by the best of the best in New Jersey to make it more comfortable for him. Problem solved, right?

Wrong.

My biggest worry for him was always fuel. He struggle with nutrition in “just” the marathon, if he couldn’t nail nutrition on the bike there was no coming back.

As training intensified and rides got longer, Matt started finding out fueling was going to be harder than just absorption. He couldn’t reach down with his left arm because it didn’t extend far enough, but also couldn’t reach down with his right arm because he didn’t have a the grip or correct center of gravity with his left hand; triathlon bikes aren’t known for their stability!

He had to trial and error a lot of different bottles and fueling options, and had to rig things up a bit differently. Even still, it wasn’t going to be enough. There were plenty of aid stations on the course, however they posed the same problem with his reach and grip. As competitive as he is, he came to the very difficult conclusion that the best option was to pull over and stop.

We’re very competitive people and spent years in the running community feeling like stopping meant failure, but stopping and quitting are not the same.

Matt averaged about 17.5 MPH with almost 7,000 ft of gain including his 6 stops. He placed 509 for the bike section out of 1,644. A huge improvement over his swim, which he was 1,428th

If you need to stop, stop.
Just don’t quit

The most fit Matt has ever been for a Marathon was in the pre-super shoe era, 2012, when he trained to run sub 2:30 at the Boston Marathon.

It’s extremely rare for everything to go perfectly in a marathon build, but Matt had one of those magical blocks of training that we all wish for.

The downside of this is that he didn’t learn flexibility, so when the weather report indicated a high of 91, he lacked the ability to adjust his goal, struggled to absorb fuel in the heat, and was pulled off the course with less than a mile to go.

Shattered.

A DNF in the biggest race for a sport he had no limitations in after a lifetime of trying to prove he was physically able, cut deep. Really deep. A gash you may never recover from.

Struggling with fuel in became a theme in the next decade of marathoning. The day I stood on Hereford monitoring the tracker and checking stretcher after stretcher to see if it was him was seared in my memory as a reminder of how dangerous it could be, so although running was the discipline we should feel most confident in, I was WORRIED.

He came by our tent at at mile 2 and 10 of the run. His splits were around 9:00/mi; much slower than he hoped, but he looked good!
But I saw him again at mile 14, he requested a gingerale for stomach distress with 12 miles to go. Shit.

I wouldn’t get to see him again until the finish. A feeling I knew too well, I anxiously waited for the tracker to ping:

Mile 16- 10:48
18.6- 12:44

Oh no. No!

Visions of him not recognizing me at Boston 2012 came over me as I looked at my newborn and girls who had no idea that their dad might be in danger.

12:44? At this stage, you can’t come back from that. Can you? I played it cool and waited for the next updates.

It's been a while since I wrote a birth story. Raea and Maebel's birth stories were very popular when I first posted them (before I even switched and moved over to my own domain!), so of course Iris need's one. I truly never thought this would be something I'd experience ever again... but so so so worth it. When I wrote Maebel's birth story I was still in the hospital. I just let it flow out of me and as I wrote it I realized that her birth story was an extension of Raea's birth story (which was fairly traumatic) and offered the healing I never knew I needed. Iris's birth story has that same healing quality related to all that came before her... the big difference here is I knew I needed it... and I'm just so so grateful to have made it to the other side....

If you're new to my blogposts, fair warning, they are always long. Every story has a back story, and the birth of Iris can't be told without hers. Also, since this blog has transformed into a resource for people with Popliteal Artery Entrapment Syndrome, and the condition has dominated my life since my last birth... It's important to back up and summarize how the ACTUAL F I got here. 

Although it's been nearly 6 years since I last gave birth, it feels like I was never quite able to live my life the way I wanted. Prior to having Raea I had a goal of qualifying for the Olympic Trials in the marathon before starting a family. At the time I was running 5k's, and 8k's pretty fast (17:00 and 28:47 were my PR's.... pre super-shoes) and I ran a debut marathon in 3:05 with minimal training. Shortly after, I slipped on some ice and ended up spending the next 2+ years trying to get a diagnosis for my knee pain (it felt like an eternity then, but is a laughably short amount of time after the PAES saga). Back then I didn't know how to navigate insurance and how to speed up wait times for specialists... but I ended up having Fat Pad Impingement Syndrome, and needed surgery. Just before surgery I was filling out paperwork and the question all women get every time they step foot in the doctors office "when was the date of your last menstrual period" stopped me in my tracks; shit, when *was* it? Low and behold, I was pregnant (failed protection). This was not the plan, but I pivoted and I ended up getting surgery in my second trimester and then was able to pretty smoothly transition back into running postpartum. After 2 years of not being able to train, it took some time, but I was running 65-70 miles a week and ready to break 3 hours at 9 months postpartum, then I planned to go after the OTQ before having a second baby to keep them close in age. Of course I didn't know what I know now, I ended up pulling my calf... the first major calf pull that significantly derailed my ability to run that I can recall, and that obviously the OTQ timeline I put together was off the table. Looking at the qualifying window and not wanting to wait nearly four years for another baby, I thought "well, if I want to OTQ, it'd be better to have the baby sooner rather than later and qualify after my second baby" so I signed up for a fall marathon and knocked out a BQ with a 3:05 for  after the baby. Matt thought I was crazy to push up having another kid so soon when we were still in the trenches of having and training with one... but this was the only way I could have both. It was not the plan I originally mapped out, but we went for it and in 9 months we had Maebel (even though it was our backup plan, getting pregnant with Maebel went exactly according to plan) .

​
​

As documented all over the place in this blog, I ran all through my pregnancy with Maebel. Back then it was different than now. There was a lot of information regarding exercise in pregnancy and its impact on the babies health and development... but not too much about how exercise in pregnancy can effect the body, diastasis recti, and the importance of pelvic floor work. I didn't really know what I know now about warning signs that I was doing too much and I had a really tough time postpartum. I for sure ran too long and then was rushing myself to get back into shape and get that OTQ. I trained hard, would get fit and never make it to a starting line. No matter what I did all roads lead to a calf injury... and literally 5 years later after untangling some misleading theories about a link between my pelvic floor and calf injuries,  I finally got a diagnosis. This was very obviously not the plan. All throughout my hunt for a diagnosis, my mental and physical health declined, I lost a part of myself that grounded me and that made me who I was. A part of myself that gave me my family and that we planned on having integrated in our life. This life didn't feel like mine. The unknown was the worst part. It's not like I just got calf injuries... my legs got bad enough where basic functions were impacted. I struggled to walk up the stairs, I struggled to play with my kids, I boarder line abused alternating tylenol and advil just to get through work. I was in pain and therefore irritable, impatient, and a terrible mom... but I longed for another baby throughout those years. Having learned more about infertility due to people in my life struggling around me, I realized how abnormal it was to get pregnant so easy and with protection? Not normal... that's like a less than 1% thing. I had such an easy time getting pregnant and having a baby that I even pleaded with Matt that "I want another baby because that seems to be the only thing my body is good at"... but how could I bring a baby into the world with a mother who was physically and mentally declining so rapidly. At some point in the search for answers, when doctors were unclear what was wrong with my vascular system (though they knew it was something), I was told not to get pregnant. Matt was content with two children, but that was hard for me to hear. I felt like I had nothing to live for at times... and now the one thing I still left on the table that may be would bring joy was taken off... during a pandemic, no less. This was not the plan.  

This part of the story is well documented here, but having nothing to lose, I kept trying to find a diagnosis. I followed a hunch to Wyoming and had the clarity I needed. Having another baby at this point was not something I considered anymore. The treatment in Wyoming was going to take some time and by then I felt confident I'd be running again and that pang in my heart for one more baby and one more member of our family would fade away. Another year passed and I was still struggling to run but had made a lot of progress. I had just completed the Boston Marathon and my path and plan was clear. I was going to run again. I was going to be me again... This was the plan that would finally work! .... but then on June 25th I took a test. Two lines. I was pregnant. Who gets pregnant TWICE with protection? ... ME. Add this to the list of things I'm in the 1% for.... ​

This was not the plan and at first it rocked my world... but then I remembered than pang in my heart. I was going to have another baby! I knew what to do to heal my legs, and it would always be there for me... but wow, another baby. My heart, that had been locked in a vault afraid to feel anything, was wide open....  Until it wasn't. I miscarried. 

I remembered Dr. McGinley recommended waiting 90 days between a botox treatment and getting pregnant... and I got pregnant within the 90 days (something like 80 days)... I miscarried at 8 weeks pregnant so I was convinced that I could try one more time and it'll be fine. My heart now desperately wanted a baby. I couldn't "end" like this and statistics were well on my side, while miscarriages themselves are very common, two consecutive miscarriages are rare; especially if you've had no fertility issues and healthy pregnancies. I was able to conceive without even getting another period, but unfortunately I lost that one too. Not the plan. At this point I was convinced the 10 CTA's I had in the last year made it so I could never have a healthy pregnancy... but the doctor said I absolutely could and that this was a "lightning strikes" situation. Bad luck. It felt like lightning strikes everywhere for me. Rare stops feeling rare when you become the statistic. I decided I'd try one more time but it felt different this time. Once you have three miscarriages in a row you are referred to a reproductive endocrinologist... I knew that would be the end for me, I had been through enough medically speaking and would certainly not put my family through that... but right now I was still perceived to have no fertility issues... so I wanted to follow this all the way to the end... I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left one last chance on the table.... So we tried one more time... and that's where the story of Iris officially begins. 

My first ultrasound with Iris was at 7 weeks and 6 days. I had learned more about pregnancy loss than I ever wanted to know in a span of 2 months... So fresh in my mind, I've never had such anxiety in my life. So many what ifs. "What if there's no heartbeat? what if the heartbeat is low? What if it's measuring behind and I have to watch this life slowly fade away?"... but the moment I saw the screen I knew we had made it through a major checkpoint... but because of all I learned, every check point felt impossibly far away and I spent every moment of time counting down to the next check point.  

1.  Betas doubling
2. Heartbeat
3. NT Scan
4. Completing first trimester
5. Maternal Serum Screening
6.  Anatomy Scan
7. Viability
8. Gestational Diabetes Test
9.  Growth Scan
10. Group B Strep test

and finally.... Labor and Delivery

Somewhere around 20 weeks after my anatomy scan, I deleted apps and tried to stop reading everyones horror stories. I understood that the way my scans and lab work was going, everything was most likely perfect... but again, having been that minuscule side of the statistic so many times, I didn't trust or believe anything. I had read more about premature rupture of membranes than I wanted... and every day feared this would happen. Reaching 24 weeks felt monumental... but reaching 30 and then reaching 34 felt huge. Once I reached 37 I was ready. I started worrying about stillbirth and my age, and hemorrhage. I started thinking maybe she was safer outside than inside. I spent a significant of time worried about Interuterine Growth Restriction after contracting covid twice and having low Papp-a... but now I worried about the opposite. What if she's too big, what if her shoulders don't fit? What if my water breaks and she comes too fast and the cord is wrapped around her? I deleted all the apps, but I was still on social media and these rare stories become viral to the point where they feel normal... and again... rare stops feeling that way when you have been the rare one on more than one occasion. When lightning always strikes, what will stop it from striking this time? It wasn't fun... but I stopped posting and blocked instagram for certain times of the day once I hit 37 weeks and tried to forget about all the things that could go wrong and tried to, for once, accept that my baby was healthy and she's going to be here soon.

Around 37 and a half weeks I had contractions all day at work.  We had 3 days left of school (Thursday, Friday, and Tuesday). They weren't strong enough for labor but were extremely close together and didn't seem to stop. I went home anyway... there was a huge storm and I know barometric pressure does actually impact labor... but when I got home they were getting stronger and 3 minutes apart. Having had two babies, I knew they still weren't strong enough, but we were approaching bed time for my kids and my mom and I was trying to figure out what would be easiest. My mom told me to bring the kids to her house and just go to the hospital to check. Worst case scenario the kids sleep at her house for no reason and the hospital sends us home. My mom, having had 8 kids, is super understanding that you never know if it's labor and it can turn a corner fast. With Raea my contractions weren't manageable at all and I was still being told I wasn't in labor since my cervix refused to dilate... and on the other hand, with Maebel my contractions were really, really, manageable until suddenly they weren't and I was pushing out a baby what felt like minutes after being told I was only 5 centimeters. Polar opposite experiences. We went to the hospital and I was only 2cm. I was told she's still really high but that can change quick with a third baby...  We walked around a bit I did some squats etc. but then I was like "eff this, I want to go home and eat ice cream and have a baby during the day time for once"... so I stopped all things that could promote labor and went home. 

Things stayed pretty mild for the next week. I was annoyed. It felt like I was right there and then suddenly no contractions, no intense pressure, and no feeling like this will ever happen. I was able to finish school and get the house cleaned and every day the house was perfectly clean I was like "please be today" and I'd sit on a ball and do all the Spinning Babies tricks... and then when 4pm would hit I'd shut it all down, put the kids to bed, eat ice cream and watch TV. This was all getting really complicated with Matts workout schedule too. Don't ask why, but he's in peak training for his first Ironman, and the 7 hour workouts are stressing me out! I also hired a photographer and was relying on my mom for childcare. It just started to feel like all the moving parts around this weren't worth waiting for this to naturally occur. I scheduled an induction for a Monday 2 days before my due date... not only for convenience but also because of when my insurance starts. It would cost me $1500-$3000 more to have the baby after July 1, and I wasn't clear on how the overnight stays would work... so I gave myself a buffer... But every day there was NO SIGN of a baby coming and I was questioning being induced for money and convenience. I was having a hard time with this decision, and on Thursday I tried to induce labor by curb walking like a boss at the Sneakerama block party. I was 3/3 for going into labor at Sneakerama... can I keep this going? ... No, Nothing. Not even a single Braxton hicks. At this point I was not pleasant to be around and was back to scrolling the internet more than I should.

I can't explain it, but after the fun-run (curb walking) I just knew she needed to come on her own, Friday was Matts last day of work and Saturday I spent a whole day alternating all the spinning baby techniques to make this happen. Saturday night I felt contractions but they were Soooo far apart, it wasn't even worth timing.... 

I went to bed but never slept. Every time I dozed off I'd wake up to a contraction. Having no clue how far apart they were, but they felt pretty strong and pretty consistent. I looked up when the sunrise was, 5:12 am, and made it my goal to make it to sunrise. I cant explain it since the contractions were really far apart, but I just knew this was the beginning. I wanted them to stay far apart so that I didn't disturb anyone in the middle of the night. So I tried not to move. I didn't even drink water because I didn't want to go to the bathroom and squat or do a single thing that might move this along. I definitely wouldn't say I slept but I dozed enough to not really know exactly what was going on. Raeas prodromal labor definitely left a scar, it made it so I didn't trust what I felt so I resisted the timer and tried to just tune into myself. This was happening. I know it's happening. It's just a matter of how it unfolds from here. It's barely 2am. Still a long way to go to make it to 5:12. I occasional took "probe data" on contractions. They were about 12 minutes apart. I had time. Eventually, at some point they were close enough that I couldn't doze off anymore. I was anxious. I took a warm bath to see if it would help them slow down... and it didn't. They were consistently 9-10 minutes apart now. She was moving like crazy. I started googling if that meant labor... just looking for some confirmation (even though I intuitively knew) and even though the vast majority of things said increased movement was a good sign, I latched onto the one thing I read that said it could be baby in distress and it could result in a stillborn and to call hospital immediately. Then I started to panic ... especially whenever the movement stopped. Intuitively I knew I was just being crazy, but I couldn't escape the worry. I sat in her room in the rocking chair and cried to myself talking out loud to her telling her she needed to calm down and stop moving so frantically but also telling her I also needed her to keep moving just enough to let me know she was still alive. This is when I called Matt (who had been sleeping in the basement for weeks so we could both sleep better). I mostly knew Iris was still okay, but I couldn't be alone left with google and my intrusive thoughts. It was about 3:30am. 5:12 went from feeling not too far to impossibly far away at this point, but I really wanted the girls to get a bit more sleep and didn't want to have to call my mom and the photographer at this hour just in case things hadn't progressed as far as I hoped. Contractions were strong; gripping comb strong... but still 9-10 minutes apart giving me plenty of time to question if this was the "real deal". Again, the back of my mind still remembered Raea's birth and the prodromal labor from hell where I was in such agony and not dilating at all.  I was worried I'd go to the hospital and not be far enough along and I'd disturb everyone for no reason... 

By 4:30ish Matt had seen enough. The contractions were painful enough that I was swearing  as the contraction built, and then replacing the ability to make words with audible groaning in discomfort as it reached the worst, followed by more expletives as the contraction simmered down. Matt was ready to go, and I had lost track of time... All I knew was contractions were closer.... Sunrise wasn't technically until 5:12am, but the birds were chirping and daylight was approaching. He woke up the girls, I texted my mom... and just as we turned off our street I texted the photographer. It was 5:13am when I shot off that text. It wasn't intentional, but I laughed to myself that I made it exactly to the time I hoped to make it before having to send anyone a message. That weirdly went according to plan. 

Don't ask me why but Starbucks breakfast sandwich was all I wanted. It was my number one craving all of pregnancy but unfortunately.... it's Sunday now... Starbucks opens at 6am instead of 5am... So when I got to my moms my next goal was to make it to Starbucks for breakfast. Who knows how long it would be until I could eat again. It had already been almost 12 hours since I had a meal, so breakfast was necessary and was now my goal. Make it to 6am. Normally it takes around 40 minutes to get to my moms but no one was on the road and Matt definitely drove faster whenever I was having a contraction. My mom lives only a minute or two from Starbucks and about 5 minutes from the hospital. By the time I got to my moms waiting the extra 15 minutes to get to Starbucks seemed really silly... but at that point, I needed to eat. I sat in the rocking chair and struggled through contractions.  "you're in labor," my mom said "you should go" and I maintained "not without my breakfast sandwich"  #priorities. If you knew how many times I drove way out of my way to get a Starbucks breakfast sandwich before work or made Matt drive to Starbucks (which is no where near our house) to get me one, you'd realize the hilarity of the situation... My contractions were now much much closer, so Matt was getting really anxious. I compromised and told him I'd go wait in the car in the parking lot at Starbucks and we could bail if needed. At 5:59 he stood outside the door, at 6am he went in, and at 6:01 I was eating breakfast in the car heading to the hospital questioning out loud if it was a good idea to eat this breakfast sandwich that I was probably going to throw up.

Matt wasn't enthused by my sarcasm. 
​​

We arrived at the hospital and went into triage. The very first thing I was asked was "do you have a birth plan" and I laughed. "No... Nothing in my life goes according to plan so I'm just going to wing it." I did say my preference was to labor until I didn't want to anymore, get the epidural on time to relax a bit,  push the baby out in lightning speed, and call it a day and get some lunch!" ... But... I said it with a huge amount of sarcasm and followed up with a more serious answer..."Whatever needs to happen to make everyone safe, preferably not a C-section, but whatever we gotta do"... She checked my cervix, I was 5cm dilated, and 90% effaced. No prodromal labor!  "perfect timing" she said. The photographer also had in her contract that her goal was to get to hospital by 5cm dilated. Once we were moved into a delivery room, she joined us. Wow, I thought... So far everything has gone exactly as I would have planned if I had a plan. We met our Labor and Delivery nurse. As we started chatting with her we realized she was friends with my mom and used to run for a local group my mom ran for. My mom had shared some of my leg saga on facebook and she recalled it. I honestly didn't think my legs were going to be an issue what-so-ever. But it was really nice that through out the experience she checked in on my legs and how they were and if there was anything I needed to modify or do differently than she suggested. It was pretty unexpected to have that level of care. I labored with the  bosu "birthing ball" for quite a bit. Contractions were slower now than they were when we were driving (no bumps) but super intense. It was nice to have the sun coming up instead of midnight upon us for once. The hospital seemed so much less of a dreary place than it did at night for both of my other deliveries. I was using the bar on the bed to squat and move positions, and still had a lot of energy (even though I didn't sleep) ... was able to enjoy at least listening to conversations in between and just was breathing through them. Eventually, I needed to use the bathroom and apparently while I was in there the photographer (who is also a doula) said to my husband "she's going to have a really bad contraction in there"... and sure enough... I did. This is exactly why I basically dehydrated myself in the middle of the night. I had tried to avoid using the bathroom... the squatting and engaging seemed to speed things up and once I came out I labored a bit longer but quickly realized my desire to have the epidural could slip away in an instant like it did for Maebels birth if I hesitated any longer. I was still managing the pain well, but didn't want to anymore. This was my last opportunity to rest and relax before bringing a newborn into the world, so I asked for the epidural. 

It always takes way longer than you want it to. Once you tap out your mindset changes from managing pain to "make this stop" so I tried to maintain the mindset that I was still doing this without the epidural (since that's basically what I experienced with Maebel) but as I felt every contraction approach I would involuntarily say out loud "I don't think they are going to make.... (pause for intense pain) ..... it on time...." .... or "... I really don't want to do the ring of fire thing again" ... or "why did I wait so long? this is not what I wanted"...but in between the nurse encouraged me... "The anesthesiologist will be here soon, just keep breathing" ... soon enough he was there. I remember the anesthesia taking a long time with Maebel, but with Raea my memory is so distorted because the severity of the pain, the longevity of the labor, and... oh yeah... the morphine... But I thought maybe the length of time it took with Maebel was not normal or was related to the fact that I ended up basically crowning and was moving a lot and thus slowing down the placement... but this took a long time. I did get quite a bit of a headache after Maebel and had a really sore back for weeks because of the fact that I ended up basically jumping off the table from the strength of contractions, so my goal here was to not move a muscle. I became an expert at staying still for large needles. The needles I've had injected for the botox are pretty big and they go pretty deep. Precision with the injections for my legs is super important so I have to be very still. Same for this. The nurse stabilized and braced me really well, and I closed my eyes and just went to a different place.  After a test and a few questions of if I felt any sharpness, my back was taped up and I was laying back on the bed. "It'll be about 15 minutes until it's fully working but each contraction will get easier" ...​It's weird how memories flood back. I remember the moment this happened with Maebel and looking at the clock and thinking "15 minutes is too long" and then suddenly having to push. I was relieved to not feel that sudden urge... maybe I got it in time. Maybe this would go according to plan. A couple of contractions later, I thought I wasn't having them anymore and that all those horror stories of the Epidural stalling labor was happening to me, but the monitor still indicated that the contractions were still going strong, Praise the Lawwwwd!.... it worked.

Finally, I got to relax a bit! We chatted and laughed and Matt joked that he was watching my heart rate during the epidural placement and it was staying pretty controlled... Meanwhile his on his watch had spiked. He was like "I guess I really don't like needles"... and I said "but that doesn't happen when I get my botox injections" and he said "oh yes it does, I just don't tell you." All this time, I had no idea!  

Contractions continued but I could feel them again. They brought an intense amount of pressure but not too too much pain. Other than the one cervix check when I arrived, I had not had one. The internet was a pretty strange place just before giving birth. Of course I'm googling and my algorithm is shifting and I've been advertised every single unmedicated birth strategy on the planet (for some reason medicated doesn't seem to hit that viral level to circulate my news feed... maybe because it's the "easy way out"... as if anything about pregnancy and birth is easy)... but I had read and seen so many stories about how to advocate needs and wants during labor and I just have to say I did not need to do any of that.

Want to have your membranes stripped? We can do that but only if you request. 
Want to schedule an induction? Okay. Want to reschedule it ... we can do that. (I moved mine from Wednesday the 21st to Monday the 26th without anyone batting an eye) 
Want an epidural? Tell me when. 
Want your cervix checked? No? Thats okay- just trust your body.

At this point I was curious how far I had progressed and when I requested a check I was 9cm. At this point they called the on call doctor to prepare her that I was really close. She was in a C-section so a resident came in to introduce herself. She asked if I wanted her to break my water and I declined. It will happen when it's time. Sure enough, one more contraction  with a lot of pressure and "pop" my water was broken, and before I knew it I was squirming asking to push. They did one more cervical exam to confirm and the nurse said "Lets have a baby"

According to my chart, it was 7 minutes between when my water broke and when I held Iris in my arms. The doctor was finished with her C-section and came in and introduced herself. From her perspective we had never encountered one another... but from my perspective, I had an HCG labwork pending in my MyChart from her that I never got... She was the doctor on call when I started bleeding during my second miscarriage and I didn't need anymore lab work once I saw an empty sac on the ultrasound. I became really superstitious once Iris was deemed "viable"... I didn't want to delete or move or change anything and jinx the pregnancy... So every time I logged into MyChart this Doctors face popped up with a reminder that I could get my HCG checked to see if it was doubling... I think I avoided scheduling with her for that reason. She ended up only seeing me one time in the office and it was after my second bout of covid so I was wearing a full N95. This appointment was a reschedule and it was just before my anatomy scan which also got rescheduled due to covid... so I was an anxious mess and could not stop crying. I had so many superstitions this whole pregnancy, and for some reason this particular doctor was linked to a few of them... but now she's about to deliver my baby and bring this full circle and hopefully help me begin to heal and let go of some of these irrational thoughts. 

It was time to push and I was incredibly surprised by how bad it still hurt. It wasn't "ring of fire" bad but when I had Raea I felt nothing during the pushing phase. Since I had morphine for her I didn't actually know how well the morphine worked in conjunction with the epidural... (now I do know, That shit was magical!) I began pushing and as the contraction ended I was told to take a break and I told them "no way, it hurts too bad... I'm getting this baby out now"... I pushed again and Matt indicated that without the contraction she doesn't move very far. So I tried to take a break but it was just soooo uncomfortable to sit in that pressure when I could just keep pushing through it! I asked if I could push again and I just knew I needed to push harder. As I pushed a felt a contraction coming on like a wave about to break right behind you.... and I pushed again and in a literal wave and gush of water out she came. When my water broke, a lot of it was behind her and so she came out with a huge splash that shocked everyone. Even though it was an intense moment, there was a little laughter. 

I looked down and I could see her! 

I did see they quickly removed the cord from her neck. I had read it was common to have it wrapped and this was a big fear of mine, but it was loose and didn't impact her breathing at all. Thank goodness.  They put her on my chest, and I just lost it... A relief I will never be able to put into words... I sobbed. June 25th, exactly one year after I took that very first Earth shattering pregnancy test that sent me down this long and really difficult path that all lead here, to the most indescribable moment of my life. ​

Just a few hours earlier, I was having literal panic attacks that the cord was strangling her and she'd be a stillborn and until the very moment I saw her and heard her, I honestly didn't know I'd ever hold her... I didn't know she'd be healthy. I didn't believe any of the tests or any of the scans because even though it's rare for them to be wrong.... I'm rare. and I always thought it would protect my heart more to at least harbor some belief that something could go wrong... because then when it did at least I would feel prepared (even though that is not true at all... thats what I told myself)... but what I wasn't prepared for was for everything to go perfectly. Everything went smooth from beginning to end. ​

After going through so much, you stop believing everything happens for a reason... and I still don't believe it does... but I do believe that you can always pivot... and that's what I've done for my entire path to Motherhood. Raea wasn't planned, Maebel was a back up plan, and Iris was a back up on back up on back up plan.... and even though I had a hard time believing this was all going to work out, I never stopped taking the steps to re-write the plan and create something new and beautiful out of whatever ugly situation I had been dealt. 

My desire to track fitness during pregnancy has dwindled along with my motivation to be fit. I'm currently 39 weeks pregnant and impatiently waiting for this baby to arrive! I've continued my Peloton streak minus one day (The Boston Marathon) and the amount of meditation I've done or amount of meditation I've turned on and fallen asleep to has DRAMATICALLY increased in the last week or two. That's okay! You'd be surprised how annoying it is to just hit start on these 10 minute things... but how good it is for continuing to be consistent with hopes it carries over postpartum. Once again, the vast majority of blog followers are PAES people, so I'll briefly touch on the pregnancy and focus more on how my legs have been. 

Week 28:
This week was Easter Sunday. We had a growth scan and baby is measuring ahead which was a big relief since I've been worried about IUGR the entire pregnancy due to a slightly low PAPP-A (which the doctor said wasn't low but google said was... my habit of googling for PAES definitely carried over into pregnancy!)... This week I definitely put the focus more on the habit of any form of movement, and not putting any pressure to do much more. My groin and back are already not great so self preservation all the way to the end! 
​

Week 29:
I'm labeling things wrong... I forget if I'm heading into a week or finishing a week... But to lose track even for just a second is amazing... because so much of my entire year has been consumed with fear and how the baby is doing, her chance of survival outside the womb etc. etc..... If I've lost track it means I had a mentally good week where I wasn't counting down every second. This was also the first and only week since I started the streak that I missed a day! It was the day of the Boston Marathon, my plan was to do a sleep meditation but I fell asleep before I did it. 

Lots of PAES conversations this week. Lots of reliving my own experience. Another runner that I know from social media and from briefly running for her and her husbands coaching company found out that her CECS symptoms were returning and was wondering about PAES. It is unfortunate that McGinley's research on CECS and PAES being the same root cause but different severity hasn't hit the masses yet, but hopefully it does so that unnecessary and highly invasive surgeries stop being performed. Anyway, it just so happened that my husbands company joined up with their coaching company for many events, so we chatted a bit and she headed to McGinley and got the same diagnosis I have. There's no easy path... Not even the botox... it's so much harder than McGinley makes it out to be (I will remind the clinic of this every single time... because the expectation to just get back to it after Botox is unrealistic. It's very hard even though I'm very confident it's the best path if it was financially easier to access there's NO QUESTION)

This was a great week overall in my life. I reminisced in the fact that I finished the Boston Marathon after being told by multiple doctors that I would lose my legs and never run again! I also went back and read so much of my own journey so that I could be certain I was communicating it clearly... and I'm just so damn proud of myself. It took a hell of a lot of courage to do... and I just fucking did it.... and ya know what.... I feel that way about this pregnancy too. Against the odds, I had two losses in a row... and so many forums and messages were to wait... and I just fucking did it. I just keep going. I realize the fact that I can get pregnant very easily is a contributing factor to that part of my story.... but I've been tested a lot this year and I'm pretty fricken proud of my courage to just keep going (even though I'm legitimately certifiable at times)... and then.... looking back on Matt and I's journey with the company On... tiny company he started working for when I was pregnant with Maebel.... all the sacrifices we made... and then the shoes and logo of this once tiny company stood on top of the podium at the Boston Freaking Marathon. What a ride. 

Week 30
After a lot of conversation about PAES and what I believe is the best method for return to running (bodyweight suspension)... I decided to walk on the Lever as a workout with the Peloton class running. It definitely felt good to use the lever and take some weight off... But the shorts don't fit so well... but it's something I'm excited to use postpartum. As it's gotten warmer outside I've wanted to walk more and as I walk more I have noticed an increase in leg pain. It's just hard to tell what is pregnancy, what is paes, and what is both? I don't know what normal is anymore. I did get a doctors note to not work recess duty anymore. By friday my legs hurt pretty bad... and Fridaiy was my duty day. I just can't handle still having 10 weeks to worry about my legs on top of the pregnancy. My legs are still such a massive trigger for me being a total grump. Even though it is starkly different now than before I had a solution... I don't love the idea of having to live in pain for a year after having the baby OR having to decide to stop breastfeeding in order to get treatment. The unknown is hard to swallow. But I still kept up my streak. 

Week 31
Yup... Leg pain getting in my head. The more walking I do the worse it is... so back to just short basic workouts. I really wanted to use my compression boots this week because I felt like I could keep up with more physical activities if I used them... but when I googled using them during pregnancy there was a mention of not using them with a DVT and then my thoughts started spiraling. "what if I have a DVT and I'll never know because I always have calf pain!" I recalled a couple traumatic postpartum moments  of being rushed by ambulance because of leg swelling, calf pain, and the thought that I might have a DVT... and now I"m worried I'll never know! I've done so much advocating for myself I just decided to tell the doctor I needed an ultrasound of my legs early postpartum to ensure I can decipher between PAES pain and what could be a DVT. Ruling out a DVT post partum would help me a lot. The doctor did say any vascular entrapment does increase my chances of a DVT (though still rare) so it was added to my chart that I'd been seen 2-3 weeks postpartum for an ultrasound on my legs. 

Week 32:
If it's not my calves it's my groin. Womp womp. SO sore in my groin. Not much else to report for this week in terms of PAES. But I've accepted that returning to any physical exercise is going to first require rehabbing my groin (which fortunately I have a really good idea of what needs to be done)... but no big deal since I have to wait to do to much other stuff due to calves anyway... TBD. 

Week 33: 
Because of my groin, I've put more focus into single leg exercises so all the classes I pick have a single leg element to it. Lots of curtsy lunges and deadlifts. I was solo parenting this week. It's also the week my second loss would be due. I remember Matt not loving the due date because it was the most important week of the year for his job... Not that that was more important than the baby, but I was afraid to be overly emotional while he was gone, but surprisingly it was just a relief to have these dates I've tracked behind me. Also... Getting through his big travel was good. Solo parenting, working full time, just a month before baby reaches term.... and a body that hates life... It was a lot to take on but we crushed it! 

Week 34:
As you'll see from the screenshots of what I shared on instagram... I am losing enthusiasm for tracking workouts. I'm just going through the motions. The goal is no longer to exercise (and honestly it really hasn't been for a while) but I've got my eyes on the other side of pregnancy and just having habits in place to help combat whatever depression, anxiety or weird intrusive thoughts that I've experienced in the past. Having ONE THING to anchor myself too will help. Keeping up with the streak now will help me lock into it later... So I keep going. 

Week 35: 
I've been pushing myself at work to get as much prepared for the next year as I can. I don't know what is on the other side of delivery in terms of my health.... I've got a lot going on. With my legs, and my groin I'm physically barely able to function... and even though I'm regularly in therapy... I just don't know what things will look like. The Doctor did say at this point in pregnancy if I really think I'll have bad depression they can start medication since it takes a while to kick in so it'll be in effect before Postpartum depression hits... but I just want to see what I'm dealing with first. Could be anxiety could be depression, could be that I'm in a really good place? who knows! I'm just not ready to take a medication that might alter how I experience my final baby coming into the world. I want to feel all the feels and then decide what to do. But I need to be prepared for whatever happens physically or emotionally so I have been CRUSHING myself to write as many data sheets and lessons etc. etc. for next years roster. One less things to think about.... especially since work is one of my top triggers for anxiousness. I don't need that! Best way for me to handle it is to be in front of it.... so lots of meditation in between lots of stress. 

Week 36:
Just surviving. I hit a big milestone this week though: One full year of pregnancy. Still a couple more weeks before I took that first positive test, but man oh man has it been quite the ride. Not the year I had in mind what-so-ever. A year ago I was running... really running. I had plans to get more botox, I signed up for a summer 5k training group knowing how much I needed to work on speed. Big sigh... Wild ride. I wouldn't change it... but Holy hell... I wouldn't wish it on anyone either. 

Week 37-39: 
I started having lots of contractions! Ugh! We had so much we needed to do so of course....  but baby stayed in. I did have one false alarm and ended up going to the hospital for a cervical check 2 cm dilated, 75% effaced... but once again dealing with baby's head not aligning correctly with the "exit".... Which is what happened with Maebel that I'm convinced caused the groin pain. It all checks out, makes sense why my groin is so bad. I detached myself from the internet once this started happening. I have the temptation to share and then people respond and then I'm eye-rolling and hating people even though they are not the problem... It's just a stressful time. So I committed to not sharing any more of my journey on social media (if someone comes and reads it here, they are committed! ahhhahaha) .... but in terms of workouts... it's basically just meditating and restorative yoga, and breath work to kick this baby out.... 

Anyway. This will be my last update until I have the baby. I'm 39+1... both my babies were born at 40+2, so we'll see!

Looking forward to writing my third and final birth story, my most popular posts by far... and I hope it's a boring one! haha. "Had contractions, went to hospital, got epidural, chilled out, hit 10cm, pushed baby out! She's here!"

But I doubt it..... 

Stay tuned! 

I initially thought that after I was done with the first trimester anxiousness I would blog each week the way I did when I was pregnant with Maebel.... But most of the people who read my blog at this point DGAF about most of my pregnancy and I don't have the time... So I'm just going to blog the three trimesters and recap anything relevant to my fitness and PAES during pregnancy. Second trimester flew by but I'm not even a week into third trimester (depending on the app you use, I've deleted most for my mental health... too many scary things in forums!) and suddenly It feels like it's slowed down.  As always, I remain active on instagram so I have documented my pregnancy weekly there. Not with much enthusiasm or detail, but for weekly updates that's the place to go. For this post I'm literally going to share screenshots of the weeks, add any summary blurbs I can recall, and then summarize how I'm generally doing with PAES a year out from my last botox treatment and pregnant. 

I already did a blogpost about this week in my initial ambition to blog weekly... But just to have everything organized by Trimesters.. Here it is: 

Week 17: 
Another week of dealing with the urge to scream at everyone to stop acknowledging my pregnancy. Every time they did I had no ability to filter out the words "yeah but this is impossible because I had two miscarriages before" making it uncomfortable for everyone- myself included- but I wasn't in a place where I could be happy...  I needed to tell everyone I was pregnant, but more than anything I had not talked about the miscarriages and I needed people to know. But no one wants to hear about it... It was just such a long stretch of people not understanding why I was out of touch and lacked the ability to give a fuck about anyone else's problems.  No one knew about what I lost and I was still (am still) grieving and working through it all. 

Week 18: 
Matt traveled this week. It was the first time I've really been alone since I told people about the pregnancy. Mentally I'm doing better overall (?) but when my baseline was calling crisis hotlines on myself... and having to have knives moved away from me because of my intrusive thoughts (that I truly don't have the intention to act out on, but even seeing the knives just was a trigger for really scary thoughts!) doing "better" is still not great. But the week was full of surprises. Early releases from school, a snow day, and a delay really made it all more manageable. Work stresses me out a lot and being around people is hard... so it was nice to have more time with just the kiddos. By the end of the week the snow was mostly gone and I did Peloton walk/run in my ears. Just for my own sanity. Legs felt good and so did pelvis! Though I did notice the next day I have a bit of shin pain so.... Not great... But not bad. 

Week 20: Rock Bottom 
Maybe not TRUE rock bottom, but by far the worst I've felt in a long time. This was the week I was supposed to get the anatomy scan. The scan that will either offer me the most relief so far, or give me more to worry about. I hoped for the best, but my scan was friday and I had the whole week of living on a knifes edge to wait for this thing. One of the days at work a student was sick. I sent him to the nurse and he did not meet enough criteria to be sent home and the next day tested positive for covid. I was about 80 days out from my last infection which was BRUTAL and I needed an IV for... and then I also got Covid. So did more than half my class. I had to postpone my anatomy scan and now was freaking out about the baby and it's health and how the placenta could be impacted with two infections in one pregnancy! I have had my fair share of feeling frustrated and stressed about work but this took the cake. I almost quit that day but realized I had a vacation around the corner and I should reevaluate after that. It gave me a lot to think about with regards to my priorities and how much my job has hurt my physical and mental health across the last year. Now I have lost 10 days  between the two infections of being able to get paid to bond with this baby (who I haven't bonded AT ALL with in utero) on top of the 5 days I used for miscarriage. Salt in the very deep wounds. Recalling the trauma of my babies not taking the bottle and going to work wondering if they were starving everyday... Feeding them in the car parking lot when I could run out for 10 minutes since they wouldn't eat any other way... and the mental toll it took on me... and now I'm looking down the barrel at having to do that 15 days earlier because this damn country doesn't GAF about anyone. Anyway. At least covid was way way less severe this time... and I'm not gonna lie- I liked being alone in my room, getting to sleep, and my husband bringing me food and my friend delivered cupcakes that I didn't share with anyone.  So... It was horrible... but I did find a silver lining 

Week 22: 
Everything feels a little easier now. Having the healthy anatomy scan, knowing the baby is a girl and what her name is... I felt motivated to put together a beautiful nursery and pour the love I had on hold out of fear into it. Exercise was secondary to the other physical activity I was doing... and it was A LOT of other things. But I still got this in. Legs get pretty sore by Friday... I work recess duty on Friday so I'm on my feet a lot more, and I don't know if it's Compartment syndrome, or if it's just because of the fatigue from pregnancy and weight gain... but I try to be mindful of the fact that it's not getting better anytime soon and incase it is CECS/PAES symptoms and not pregnancy alone... I need to preserve myself a bit. Long wayyy to go until I can get botox... or even take an ibuprofen. 
​

Week 25 
I don't remember why I was so lazy this week. I just was. Maybe because I held my breath all the way to viability and now there's a bit of a crash.... but baby is moving A LOT and it makes me so happy. :) My legs hurt by the end of the week. I question if it's because there's more blood volume and I still have vein entrapment... and if it will get better when blood volume decreases... OR if it'll just say the same... OR if it'll just get increasingly worse and I'll be forced to stop breastfeeding earlier than I currently plan. TBD
​

CECS and fPAES Summary
Overall I'm feeling good about my legs and all my decisions. I don't touch base with my brother too too much, but he got the botox just one time for CECS when I last got it, and he did let me know he's had some of the best runs he's had in years. Years.  It gives me confidence that I can someday have that... or at least get to run for my sanity and not wonder if I need to stay close by incase my calves blow. I really don't care about being competitive anymore. I just want to get to experience more things with my kids that I couldn't do before - like hike a mountain, and stay generally fit because we only have one life. 

I knew probably in May when I started training for a 5k, that I'd need more botox or xeomin. I knew based on my symptoms that my artery was probably not entrapped, but my veins probably were. I have never had a scan where my veins weren't entrapped. My best scan was still way worse than my brothers scan... so I had a ways to go. August was the plan, but then after accidentally getting pregnant and then miscarrying... priorities shifted. Since I have to wait until after I'm done breastfeeding for botox (and the recommendation for breastfeeding is now 2 years) I don't really want to test the waters and see how "bad" OR good they are. My focus postpartum will be a healthy weight loss and strength training, and my fricken mental health. MENTAL HEALTH WILL BE MY NUMBER ONE FOCUS since I've really REALLY struggled this year I have a lot to unravel that I'm too afraid to address and "jinx". Then, as I approach 1 year (pending latch and supply is good.... but I'm already lactating so I'm sure supply wont be a problem) I'll evaluate. 

If my legs are managing what I do well then I probably wont rush back to Wyoming, but if the pain is obviously becoming problematic then I will probably stop nursing around 13-14 months and head to Wyoming August 2 years later than originally planned and before the school year starts. 

What's great is my husband training for an ironman we have a lot of other options. Family gym membership, pool access, peloton (which I thought I'd ride more pregnant... but it's just NOT comfortable), the lever system, etc. etc. Bike trainer... so... I'm going to make it work! 

I trust this process... Just took the scenic route and Feeling this little baby kicking away I have no regrets. 

One of my friends on Instagram challenged me that the work and workouts I've been doing during pregnancy aren't fit"ish" pregnancy  but is a "fit pregnancy"... and while I guess in the grand scheme of things that is probably true, I still struggle with the fact that I'm not running. Running is my absolute favorite form of fitness, it fulfills me more than anything else, but I just made a decision after I got covid that it really wasnt worth it to continue running. On the one hand, I do question how my legs would continue to do despite the fact that the botox is non-existent, but on the other hand I really don't want to find out... my legs feel totally fine just walking around and doing day to day tasks, don't ruin it! I don't know for sure but my theory is that if there is no botox, my legs will relearn and reverse all the progress made. The nurse at McGinleys said I can just keep with running if I want, but since I never fully was able to be rid of my symptoms, I know I still have some treatments to go. In the meantime I think it's healthiest for me to really truly embrace another form of movement. That felt like the worst thing in the world when I didn't know what was wrong but this time I do so it does feel a lot more positive than it did before. This week I did a little of everything, and it felt good to move. 

January 2-January 8
Monday: Afternoon 30 minute walk, 1.7 miles: We took a walk as a family. I want to try to do the 1000 hours of outdoors. I think the girls can get to it without me and Matt, but I want to be part of it as much as I can. 
Monday: Evening 20 minute Yoga: We lost power for about 4 hours JUST as I was in savasana, It worked out nicely for the ambiance but made the evening before returning to work a little bit more difficult. We made it work though! 

Wednesday: 20 Minute Full Body Strength
This class I did with Matt. While looking for more prenatal or quick "mom" workouts... I found an adaptive class. Matt is missing part of his arm and cant straighten it all the way and the Peloton instructor was completely missing from above the elbow down so it was cool to see some of the modifications ​

Thursday: 20 Minute chest and Back Strength
Another strength class. I find that (at least for now) I much prefer "non" prenatal classes. I find some of the cuing to be emotionally triggering in the prenatal classes. For example- when told we're not fragile "we're strong, our bodies are amazing"... I'm just not quite in a place where I feel that in this pregnancy yet. I think when I'm working out it's better for me to generally separate from being pregnant. Obviously I still have to take me core into account and watch for doming, coning and make sure I'm engaging the transverse abdominus, but a couple years of thinking my calf problems were pelvic floor related-- a lot of that comes naturally for me at this point... So I have liked "non" prenatal classes that I can just zone out and do the work. 

Friday: 20 Minute mobility
Damn, Friday, It's snowing. Thank God it's Friday. Something super easy today because I just didn't have it. I had a doctors appointment. All is well. I had to get blood work and the flu shot. The blood work stresses me out. A LOT. and the flu shot definitely made my arm sore so just mobility is perfectly fine. 

Saturday: 20 Minute Ride: 4.86 miles, average sped 14.6 mph
I was proud of myself for this one. I didn't feel super comfortable and will need better shorts to accommodate my bump already. Walking Running Yoga, my normal clothes are fine. But the position I'm in on the bike I just need more space... So I'll look into that. I wanted to go really hard today. I'm not great at this biking thing but I was happy with my effort and then was wiped later. 

Sunday: 45 minutes of Prenatal Yoga
The Prenatal yoga classes I do actually like. I think a lot of yoga is laying down on your belly (downward dog into upward dog etc.) so it's kinda nice to have those accommodations. This was an intermediate class and it had some poses that I just always sucked at... (half moon especially!) but I just skipped those and went into downward dog and child's pose instead. It was nice to end the day with a good flow and to get a workout in every day this week. 

Emotionally, I continue to struggle with trusting the pregnancy... and struggle even more with trusting doctors who tell me to trust the pregnancy... but I'm trying my best to just take it one day at a time. The workouts so far made this week go by much faster so I hope this trend continues. 

In attempt to keep myself accountable and to keep moving throughout this pregnancy (despite the fact that I am not able to run the way I once was and that I've got depression and feelings of grief ebbing and flowing...) I'm going to attempt to get back to blogging week to week recaps the way I did with Maebels pregnancy. Shorter versions of updates will be shared on my instagram, but I figure there are still people that find this blog (and then find me on instagram) every day with questions about CECS and PAES, that I just want to keep it current and then hopefully.... on the other side of this pregnancy, I can have the most epic comeback story of all time... (though nothing may ever beat running Boston but TBD) So here is the First Trimester. All running miles have been done on the Lever System, the botox is not active anymore so Im just doing the best I can until I can get more botox. 

Fit(ish) Pregnancy Week 1
Anyone that has been pregnant before knows that you get a few weeks free. The first two weeks you actually aren't pregnant yet however the my body has already started prepping for pregnancy... even though technically at this time I was miscarrying... my body had already recognized the drop in hormones and got my cycle right back on track preparing to release an egg. I ran during my June-August pregnancy... but then felt so fragile during the August-September Pregnancy... and then I miscarried. I decided that the next pregnancy I would get back to working out and would try to not worry as much. The worry part I failed at but the working out has gone pretty well.  I didn't workout at all during Week 1 because I was unfortunately bleeding and still processing it all. 

Technically my week doesn't start on Monday, but I always log my workouts Monday through Sunday and babies never come exactly on time, so for the remainder of updates my weekly recaps will be off by a handful of days. 
September 26-October 2
Monday- Off
Tuesday- 3 miles/ 32:00
Wednesday-3 miles/ 31:00
Thursday- 3 miles/ 29:42
Friday- 3 miles/ 30:00
Saturday -3 miles/ 30:23
Sunday- Rest

Total: 15 miles

Fit(ish) Pregnancy, Week 3
Increased the distance a bit this week, and this is the first time I've run 6 consecutive days since I was 37 weeks pregnant with Maebel (and the last) 
October 3-October 9
Monday- 3.1
Tuesday- 3.1 miles
Wednesday-3.1miles
Thursday- 3.1 miles
Friday- 3.2 miles
Saturday -3.2 miles
Sunday- Rest

Total: 18.79 Miles

Fit(ish) Pregnancy, Week 6
I increased miles run this week but added cycling since I got a Peloton. I know that as I get heavier I definitely wont be running (since I'm so dependent on the lever taking weight off and the botox is totally worn off now) that I know I need to work other exercises in. 
October 24-October 30
Monday- 3.3
Tuesday- 4 miles
Wednesday-4miles
Thursday- 4.4 miles
Friday- Rest
Saturday -Rest
Sunday- 6.4 miles Spin

Total: Combining running and biking: 22.09

Fit(ish) Pregnancy, Week 8
My husband was gone this entire week and I was trying to just do it all... and I succeeded! I ran I biked I cooked I cleaned. I got up early if I needed to... I did it all! It felt really good! 
November 7-November 13
Monday- 5 miles Run
Tuesday- 11.3 miles Spin
Wednesday-3.5 miles Run
Thursday- 9 miles Spin
Friday- 6.6 miles Run
Saturday -Rest
Sunday- Rest

​Total Combined Mileage: 35.46

Fit(ish) Pregnancy, Week 12-14ish
December 5-December 25
At this point I was still feeling pretty sick for about another week... so December 5-December 11 I didn't do anything and then by December 11 the Christmas crazies began so I just packed it in until Christmas. We had our Nt Ultrasound on December 22 and it was so nice to see everything! Hands feet, kicking, and so much movement! It felt really good. We were able to announce to our family (and our girls!) on Christmas morning. Initially it increased my anxiety, but it has been a relief.  

Stay tuned for more detailed week to week recaps to come and find me on instagram for more updates if I fall behind here.