I didn't run a single step this week... So I'm not going to do a day by day recap... There was so much going on. Matt working the expo, stalking the weather, finishing up progress reports at school before vacation, getting my gear in order, getting Easter baskets prepared, balancing parenting and teaching and my own shit all while my husband wasn't home because he works the marathon events. He also was flying out literally at 6pm the Monday of the marathon. I had to cancel my therapy because it was too much I wasn't able to balance it all. I had to bring the girls to the expo by myself because my sister-in-law had a baby so my mom was babysitting for them. I had to pee in a bottle under the prudential center because the traffic was so bad we got stuck there. I was exhausted- the week was exhausting. People joked that the marathon would be the easiest part. To be determined I thought. I was tired.... but it was a great distraction. 

Looking back at the week of April 4th through April 10th... Man.... this was also a rough week... It was a lot of reflecting and a lot of memory lane looking up Boston Marathons from previous years to remind me why this was important. I'm going to put up a quick recap because it's hard to backlog... But I hope some of these hard times of doubt and actually misery can help anyone else that might be struggling to make sense of their post Botox experience or anyone else that is going through anything that doesn't have a straight path forward. Sometimes in this world of the internet and social media, we forget about how hard things are for other people because most people aren't showing the hard stuff... But I am. So.... 2 weeks to go.... 

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Monday: CrossFit disaster.
Well this was great. Exactly two weeks out from the Marathon and I go to Crossfit and try to run a single quarter mile and my calf cramps up. My RIGHT calf cramps up... That never happens! What the ACTUAL Hell! It was pretty bad too... Like I was limping and all sorts of pissed off. My first thought was "well, there goes Boston".... But my next thought was... "Funny Bone" and I tried to run again but just stayed in the parking lot and it oddly was okay. Like running through it was... okayish....not great but.... okay enough to still have that thing I have such a proufound love/hate for: HOPE.
​ Dear Lord how am I ever going to do 26.2 miles? 

Tuesday: I can't actually tell you much that happened on Tuesday. I definitely didn't run. Ha!  Probably OD'd on Advil and likely spent most of my time surfing the internet looking for something to validate me or tell me how STUPID I am. Something PLEASE TELL ME TO STOP TRYING TO DO BOSTON! But instead I got an email with my corral assignment and my QR code for number pick up and at some point throughout the week my friend Linda who waited 10 years and is in the best shape of her life and is one corral behind me called and wont let me not show up. Fuck. I guess I'm going to still try this thing????

Wednesday: McGinley Webinar
I'm pretty sure he'd kick me out of these things if he could at this point. Rewatched the webinar in case there was just a tiny bit of information that was new or that I missed or that was overlooked. Then ask a bunch of anonymous and some not anonymous questions to get some freebie answers to all of my problems.  Will a knee brace make things worse? What about compression sleeves again? How much exactly is too much just a month after a treatment? ... Can you please advise me against running a marathon?
I just want to remind people I *do* have a therapist, but we're twice a month now... so I'm scheduled for right before Boston- Logically. 

Thursday-Sunday: More of the same. Can't remember much just know I'm irritable, ordering a billion things online, frantically checking the weather... and have taper crazies worse than anyone who is *actually* tapering. One of my athletes raced and won. So that was cool.... But I did a bit of jogging while she was racing and that cramping just kept coming. It was manageable but still very present.

​BUT I spent a good amount of time reflecting on how bad this could be and how damn proud I'll be even if I'm last to finish. I started visualizing my worst case scenario... Rain, and walking in pain the whole way. A lot of people just visualize the triumph, but I encourage athletes to visualize the worst case scenario... what are you going to do if this cramping starts happening and you are only at mile 3.  I started coming up with drop out criteria... Which when I stopped to think of it I had only one drop out criteria... I am unsafe to continue. I defined unsafe as two things: Hypothermic, Dehydrated. Limping did not mean unsafe. Having to walk 25 min/mile did not mean unsafe. Being hungry did not mean unsafe (but I did start thinking about how I would get food if I was going that slow) .... Hypothermic or Dehydrated. Those were my only criteria for dropping out. I started to visualize the crowds thinning and really.... I started to prepare myself for a really sad but personal triumph. The stands being taken apart, the crowds gone, the roads open again.... but I thought about all the times I stood on the sidelines missing out... and it was worth trying. I thought about the pain and all those failed runs where it felt as though I was going to lose my legs if they didn't figure out what was wrong. I thought about the sleepless nights because my numb, cold, and slowly dying feet.... Whatever baby, I'm doing this. One week to go. 

I fell behind with the blogposts, but a recent jump from my instagram traffic has me feeling like I should probably finish telling the story... So although it's May 16th, I'm going to go back to where I left off, March 28, and retell the story so that it's all in one place. I'll retell it all the best I can but spoiler alert: I'm in a really good place right now so it might be hard to dig deep and remember exactly how I was feeling at the time. 

Monday March 28: CrossFit
Went to CrossFit today. I've been keeping an eye on what the class is going to be like and intentionally picking ones that will be good for running. Not really looking to do any handstands or wall walks at the moment, but this was a good class. Lots of squats, and burpees. I haven't been doing speed workouts for obvious reasons, to these AMRAP or METCON style are fun because I get to push myself. 

Tuesday March 29- 5 Miles 12:21/mi
After a couple days of giving my shins a chance to chill out, I was happy with how this run went. I hit up all different terrain (trail, track and road) and got a little bit of hills in there but ended up mostly walking the hills. I tried the 5 minutes on and 2 minute off method that I was pretty sure I'd need to use for the marathon but I haven't fully figured out my strategy at this point. I'm mostly just hoping I make it to the starting line. 

Wednesday March 30th- OFF
Happy Birthday to Matt! He's officially a masters runner! His marathon is going to be just a few weeks after mine so now that I'm "training" (or whatever you call what I'm doing) we have to plan our schedules out a bit better. We got some pizza for dinner and the girls opened gifts. 

Thursday March 31-2.39 Miles of Trails 15:46
Well this wasn't great. This is where things got really hairy for me. I went for a run on the trails behind Treehouse Brewing Company. Matt was there with the girls doing some work so I was going to do a run and then take the girls so he could go do something. I ended up mostly walking. I called Matt after a very short amount of running and let him know something weird was happening with my calf. It wasn't what normally happens, maybe more of a cramp or something with the other muscles completely different spot from usual. I was able to walk it off a bit... and then somehow run a bit more... But after some contemplation I just walked the rest of the way. Boston is too close to F this up over something stupid... My fear though was that this happened while I was running uphill and Boston is really hilly.... So... am I doomed? Do I just need to walk all the hills completely? My mind was spinning and I was pretty pissed. I hate myself for signing up for Boston at this point because the pressure I was feeling to not screw it up was significant. Yes I also posted all over social media that I was doing it. It wasn't for Social Media though, it was for me. I was really forcing myself to do this because I just *knew* how terrible I'd feel if I didn't try.... but the fear of screwing it up before I even got a chance really gripped me after this run. 

Friday and Saturday- OFF
There was just no way I could run on these days. I was too terrified. I have had so many things go wrong in the last few weeks leading up to so many marathons that I was feeling all that PTSD.... Embarrassingly over running. I'm still coming to terms with this diagnosis... theres not doubt it's what I have but it just feels weird when theres so much shit going on in the world right now... but what can ya do. 

Sunday- 4.23 miles easy 13:55/mi
I did not want to do this. But I have to do something. I did 5 minute run 2 minute walk again. Terrified the whole way. Stressed the whole way. Wanting it to be over the whole way. I starved myself all morning because I'm trying to check the boxes of all the things in my control leading up to the marathon, and I wanted to try out fuel on an empty stomach. I've never had my stomach blow up in my life... but it's been a while since I downed a gel so wanted to at least.... check.... (especially since I'm going to be consuming 20 of them).... There were also hills. Other than on the trails I haven't done really any hills and so If they were on my run portion I ran them and if they were on my walk portion I walked them. With about a half mile to go I got that cramp thing again. I stopped immediately and was able to walk it off. It oddly went away.... but I'm freaking out because this was 4 of the slowest miles ever. I really wanted to break 6 hours at Boston but that would need to be 13:45 pace and I couldn't even do that for 4... So.... My goals keep getting worse and worse. At this point I"m assuming this cramp thing will continue to happen and that I may very well be walking the whole damn thing. How am I even going to get the courage to run at all?? .... I keep reminding myself that this isn't all about Boston. This is about my legs getting better... and McGinley told me it might bee like "bumping a funny bone" sometimes... so Is that what is happening? I just don't know. Part of me is comforted by the fact that he mentioned this... but part of me just never wants to run again. PTSD Raging. 

All in all not the best week. I wish the stupid race was just now so I could get it over with. It seems like nothing good can come from running so better to just... not run.