Hey all! 
Hope you enjoyed my last post. I added a video of Maebels first year of life that wouldn't post earlier so go check it out here. 

I've been back to officially working with my coach Pardon Ndhlovu for the last three weeks. He is a coach under the McKirdy Trained umbrella of coaching and we are a really good match from the start. For starters, he at least pretends my jokes are funny... even though, for the most part, I'm dead serious about training and racing, I also consider myself to have a healthy sense of humor. If you can't laugh with me, then it's not going to work. He also gives really difficult workouts that are different than anything I've done before. I worked under the same coach for over 10 years (Joe Catalano, the great), but change is good and essential for progress. Additionally, he is also very understanding of injuries and makes me feel comfortable communicating when I'm not feeling right... which has essentially been all the time, so far. He has even shared some of his own experiences and frustrations with his own injuries... and he's an Olympian... so it happens to the absolute best.

I worked with him all through my Boston training and felt like I experienced a break up when he told me he wanted me to take some time to recover and start back up when I'm ready. I was ready. I was all in--- emotionally--- but my body wasn't ready and I had to come to terms with that. It was like the nail in the coffin on my postpartum running goals... but I needed to bury those goals anyway because, in hindsight, I set them based on my first experience post-baby... and since I now unequivocally know that every experience, every pregnancy is different, It was really foolish to set goals before I even had the baby.

So What have I been Up to? 
Most of you follow me on Instagram, and if you don't it's probably because all my narcissistic posts about my training each and every day are a bit too much for you (it's cool, I totally get it), but I've got goals and if I need to hold myself accountable through every avenue that social media and the World Wide Web has to offer in order to be successful, SO BE IT! 

I last posted my training in a post titled "Road to Nowhere" I got injured sometime in March and lost all direction. I signed up for the Vermont City Marathon. It seemed like fate. I thought it was everything coming full circle. I was wrong. Sometimes injuries are just injuries and circles are actually spirals. Depending on your perspective you can spiral upwards or downwards. Initially, I was on an upward spiral looking forward to Vermont. I spent a fortune to hire a personal trainer to get me stronger than I've ever been before and I was excited... but then after a few weeks of just strength training I attempted to run again. I rehashed the injury and I spiraled downward... I spiraled downward HARD. On this downward spiral, Pardon "broke up" with me, and I continued to go to personal training but spent the majority of the time crying because I couldn't do anything without groin/abdominal/hip/adductor pain and I was perseverating on the fact that I could not get better. I was convinced if my calf injury occurred because my hip/groin/etc weren't firing or doing their job... I'm screwed for life... because I've now scored through every postpartum hip/groin-ish injury listed on google, and have read every persons question and comment about never finding answers. It was settled, I'm one of them. For sure I'm one of them. After all, I was spiraling downwards, so I couldn't see anything but the worst possible scenario and I just tried to wake up in the morning and keep at it anyway... or at least drag myself to a place where there was a person keeping me at it. Peak Fitness.  I should note that during this time Pardon did not "break up" with me, he still checked in with me at least once a week and I always felt like I was the bottom of the totem-pole don't bother checking in with me, I'm useless and he always assured me that I was still working hard and training even though I wasn't running. I believed him just enough to not quit. I continued to roll out and ice and bike, and do everything I could in addition to the personal training in order to heal. I had to be moving in the right direction, I thought.

I Just to quickly fill you in on how I found Peak Fitness, my Physical Therapist now has two offices and one of them is in Peak. So you can work with a  Physical Therapist who works directly with the Personal Trainers on staff. Mike and Paul worked together to come up with programs for me to increase the load on my calf in small amounts. I had done a lot of work and we thought I was strong enough to try jumping rope to build tolerance 5-10 seconds at a time. I literally jumped twice and that was it... unable to walk again after I believe 4 more weeks off.... (I can't remember now, I "reinjured" the calf so many times it's all melded together.) I lost it. LOST IT. I didn't cry, I literally just walked out of the room for a minute. The trainer suggested a punching bag but I wanted nothing. If it's not running, it's nothing. It's never going to heal, I'm wasting my money, wasting my time, nothing is possible. I reached rock bottom and my trainer, Paul, who at this point remained remarkably positive (despite the fact that I was constantly saying "I've spent a lot of money and I still can't lift anything pain free") challenged me and bargained with me to start coming in with only the intention of moving pain free and seeing that as a success rather than a failure. I never blamed him, I just was feeling dumb for ever believing I could get strong or that I was worth the investment... I felt guilt that I used the money my husband got for his bonus when there are a million and one more important things than my selfish pursuits....but they believed in me... and So I committed to changing my mind if not for me, for Paul, who had gone above and beyond anything I had paid for... (He's a trainer, not a counselor).... and for my husband and family who had made a lot of sacrifices for me to even get to the gym... and for Pardon, who kept reaching out even though he had no obligation to me, at least for now. I'm one of those people that is better at doing things for others than I am for myself, so in an instant, instead of being frustrated that lifting my leg up to my chest without pain was all I could (barely) do .. I worked hard to find pride in it... (and needed all the headpats on instagram for it, they really helped). I could not give up on doing the little things simply because it wasn't as much as I hoped or wished for. It was so so SO far from my goal that I couldn't see where I was going anymore but I had to keep trying because people were investing in me. On instagram people were investing in me, and at home, and at the gym, at work. Every direction I turned people were not allowing me to settle and so I kept going even though I, personally, wanted to eat cake and get fat (which, some days I did.... okay, many days...). I get a lot of messages on instagram telling me I'm inspiring for not giving up, but it's not me who doesn't give up, it's everyone around me. As my college coach would say ​"Surround yourself with good people and great things will happen"...

I started running again after another 8 weeks and it was touch and go from the start with the calf. Typically the calf was such an aggressive and sudden pull, that I took my chances since it was presenting as more of a "burn" or "ache" than anything else. This was a hard stage. I was being pulled in a downward direction, but I fought it hard. I wasn't going to let this happen. I wasn't spiraling upward, but I was maintaining my position. I took another week off. I did the ice bucket, I walk ran for nearly a month, I started noticing what treatments worked better than others. I bought KT tape, compression socks, new inserts for my shoes. Placebo or not, I did not care... "the placebo effect is still an effect" and I needed all the reasons to believe I still had a shot at 2020 or 2024, or even just running casually but pain free for life. 

I really turned a corner when I woke up with heel pain and felt it in my calf as well. I could have felt defeat and retreated, but instead I tried to figure out what my body was telling me. I read a lot about the plantaris tendon. Is that what I hurt? My initial injury occurred on a run where I jumped over several mounds of snow... The injury was sudden and stopped me in my tracks, If the plantaris tendon takes 6-8 weeks to heal and that's what I hurt, no wonder I keep re-injuring it! A lot of what I was doing to strengthen the calf was probably bothering the plantaris. I will never know for sure, but as soon as I started treating my "calf injury" like a plantar injury (working on the foot rather than the calf, never walking barefoot, icing with the ice bucket, rolling with tennis ball) I've been primarily free of any signs of injury (other than the heel pain when I wake up which is subsiding) 

I'm running every other day and walking on most of my off days. My first week I ran 9 miles, then I did 17, now I'm up to 21 with my longest run being 8 miles. I'm fearful of writing this post and putting it out to the world. I feel like my "training for training" is over and my "training" can finally begin... but I know progress isn't linear, it's a spiral and sometimes you go down, and other times you go up. The thought of going back down is terrifying after how low I got, but I've been mostly up lately, and that's all I can ever hope for. 

Hi All! Most of my readers follow me on instagram and interact there, so you know I'm still alive... Running injuries just left me feeling uninspired and unable to articulate any emotions or feelings since nothing was really feeling right. I have a lot of blog posts brewing, and want to get back into writing about the less concrete side of running; some of what I've learned through injury and through 20 plus years of competing. How to balance performance based stress, how to manage emotions during low times, and more, With that being said, tonight is the eve of my second baby's first birthday, and I want to pick up where I left off, talking about motherhood. 

I was a mother of two girls two and under for almost exactly a year (two weeks and two days shy)... I have learned A LOT but a here are a handful of the hardest things I learned.... the list is endless, because it's that difficult of a transition (In my opinion the transition from none to one is less jarring than one to two). So weather you have one child already and aren't sure if you are ready for a second... or maybe your expecting your second and want to know what you're in for.... or maybe you already have two and want to compare notes....  It's also for those you who have more than two kids and want to take this moment to laugh at my struggle wishing my problems were still yours (because everything is exponentially more difficult each child, I imagine). Or if you're just plain bored. 
​
Here are Five Hard Lessons I learned once I became a mom of two (two and under)

1. Its NOT twice as hard... 
Lets start at the most obvious and most important thing I learned: It's not twice as hard... OH NO! It's at least ten times harder than having one child... especially in those first few months where you are still getting to know this little stranger you took home from the hospital one day. I don't want to make it sound impossible, there are definitely things you have more confidence in having already had a child (like trying to put clothes on.... remember how you thought you'd break those little arms? Round 2? You've got this!) But for the most part, everything that just started getting easy is hard again. Potty training, toddlers sleep patterns, keeping a schedule, laundry... and things you haven't even thought of are suddenly issues. Like, how the hell do I get two kids in and out of the car? What happens if I'm in public and the older child starts throwing herself on the ground or refusing to walk? How am I going to carry her out when I don't have enough hands for this...? Everything is harder .... everything​. You also pray a lot... and if that's not your thing, you probably self talk a lot "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can"... Or you just never leave the house. Leaving the house is scary... especially in those early stages. The level of difficulty, this first lesson, is so in your face those first few months that it needed to be mentioned all by itself even though in many ways it summarizes all of what's to come. 

2. Shopping SUCKS!
This is important... because shopping is exponentially more difficult (as mentioned in lesson number 1, everything is). It's so hard that I had many people praise me on social media for trying so early. People even sent me suggestions on online shopping (like PeaPod) that helps you avoid the hassle... but I hate staying in one place so I put on my big girl pants and got to it. I put the toddler in the seat provided by the cart and the infant car seat (until recently) in the body of the cart. Everyone contained, I got this. This is my number 1 reason for shopping at Walmart. Not only can you fit both kids, but you can also fit your shopping list. (It's truly a no brainier that I shop here because it's also the closest store to me). As Raea got older, whenever I had my husband we'd practice with her walking and staying with me. Sometimes shes too tired to walk now, and Maebel no longer is in the infant carrier, so Raea is in the body of the cart and Maebel is in the provided seat. You gotta do what you gotta do but this takes time. Let me simplify it for you by breaking down some of the places I learned are good to go, or a no go when it comes to carriages. 
Other places you can shop at comfortably: Cosco, Sams Club, BJ's, Wegmans
Moderately accommodating, as in you can fit the kids and minimal shopping list items: Target, Whole Foods, Babys R' Us (RIP), Shaws, Price Chopper (most grocery stores... but stick with above if you can). 
Toddler/Infant FAIL: Kohls (I hate you!), Marshalls, Trader Joes (sad face), Michael's, AC Moore (forget about DIY projects anyway-Impossible), CVS, Party City 
Other Major Fails: Nearly all clothing department stores. Not only do they not have carriages, but they barely accommodate a stroller, never mind a double stroller. When it comes to clothes just give up on life.... Sure, you can shop online, but your body is changing again... and you have no idea what its going to look like next so... Online is a risk.... So, your stuck with your halfway fitting clothes or you can do what I do, the Walmart Special... I'm just going to get milk, or juice, or some bodily fluid on it anyway... why would I spend a lot? Faded Glory FOR LIFE!

4. Feeding the baby is never ever relaxing. 
I breastfeed, so I can really only speak to that, but I imagine it's similar for bottle fed babies too, infact possibly worse in the beginning because at least I have a free hand. When I had one child I loved breastfeeding. Talk about time to restore and rejuvenate? I know some people struggle, and I'm lucky I didn't, but once we got into the swing of things when it was time to nurse Raea (at least before she was mobile) I would just sit on the couch, watch tv or close my eyes... drink water, put my feet up, turn on music... ahhhhhh.... relax. No MORE. NO NO NO. Breastfeeding with two is so hard!​ because lesson number 3, your first born is a dangerous little human climbing on tables and chairs... opening refrigerators, spilling the tupperware everywhere, climbing on the couch your sitting on, jumping on the couch... pulling your hair, trying to sit on your shoulders, being so loud it's impossible to get the baby to sleep... ... Ahh... Ugh... Why can't you understand that if you just give us this little bit of time, I can play with you, or help you, or do WHATEVER YOU WANT... Just let us finish!!!  This is one of the things that actually has gotten more difficult as the baby ages (and I think bottle would be easier at this point since most babies can hold it by themselves). Maebel can't make up her mind these days, she wants to play but she wants to eat, wants to play, wants to eat, latch, unlatch, latch, unlatch, teeth, teeth, teeth, TEETH!! I feel like an open bar and a chew toy at once, abuse! I.... cant..... even.... That's all I can say. She's one today, wean, wean, WEAN!!!!  Why wont she wean!?

5. You Don't Learn​ Patience... 
People might disagree with me here, but IMO you don't learn patience. Patience doesn't suddenly grow. I am an extremely patient person. My work involves a significant amount of patience, and it involves the same type of patience used for parenting (I'm a teacher for students with ASD, and most have significant behavioral difficulties... so I do a lot of discipline and behavior modification) and patience does not grow. I don't suddenly have more of it because I have another child. In fact, the last thing that happens to your patience when you have another child is that it grows. How can you get more patience when you are using it all up everyday? .... What you do learn is where and how to disperse your patience across the day. You learn the art of not giving an F about stuff at work or what that aHole driver did, because you have two little people at home who require a lot of your patience, and who deserve it. You literally don't care about things you used to because you can't. You don't have room to care. With that being said, you will run out of patience at home because now there are two... and lesson number one, this is exponentially harder. This has been especially evident for me as my first born is starting to become a little bit of a bully towards her younger sister. God it kills me when she knows shes doing something wrong but does it anyway. I yelled at her just today because she was intentionally scratching Maebel and literally saying "look mommy I'm scratching Maebel" and Maebel is screaming and I'm arms deep in dishes. Now I do this for work... I know she is looking for attention- she's a walking, talking, FBA- and the right thing to do is redirect and maybe pick up Maebel and give Maebel all the love in the world and ignore the scratching and talk about it later once balance is restored, but I've run out of patience. "In your room you go!" and now I'm a monster. "Punishment reinforces the punisher".... You don't learn patience, you learn to let things go, and maybe forgive a little. Forgiveness towards yourself for losing your cool, because it will happen. When you have one child you certainly lose it from time to time (although I can probably count on one hand how many times it occurred with Raea before Maebel, and now it happens almost daily) but there are a lot more chances for you to restore and rejuvenate with one (Lesson Number 4), with two you are in multiple directions all day... all day... so instead of patience growing, your ability to forgive yourself grows... and actually... as that grows, you become a bit less uptight and find ways to rejuvenate within the chaos. It's not patience growing, it's your ability to accept that you might suck at life sometimes, but as long as you are only a reasonable amount of sucky, forgive yourself, have a conversation with your child about your intentions behind your crazy shit , say sorry, and move on... lots of chances to get it right. 

The Biggest Lesson I learned thought, and this isn't a hard part is that while patience doesn't grow,
LOVE DOES
When your pregnant, you are trying to wrap your head around how it will be possible to love another human the way you love your first. You intellectually know you will.... but you don't really know how. It doesn't make sense because the love you have for your first is endless... how can that occur twice (or three or four, or 8 times?) but it happens.... You do. You love them equally.... differently... but equally... and the coolest part is how different they are. It's not like you have a "type" like when you're looking for a partner in life... One can be loud and out going, and it's perfect... and at the same the other is reserved and introspective and you love that, too (neither of my kids are reserved, but it was an easier example to share than the examples I have).... Before I had kids I heard it all the time "It's so so hard, but so rewarding" and I didn't quite understand...I also didn't understand why people would be all like #wheredmybabygo? and be all sad about their kid growing up... but I get it now. My baby is one today... ONE! And my first born just turned 3. What?! How did this happen? It's so cheesy, but it's the realest thing ever:
​

It's been a hard year, but the most​ rewarding.