Another week without lightning striking in my calves! It’s a Holiday week, and Holidays can often make working out a bit harder mainly due to the schedule shift. I decided on Tuesday that I was going to do the Turkey Trott. I knew I wouldn’t be fast, but all I’ve ever wanted since this got real bad was to just hobby jog again…. So my week was centered around that.

MONDAY: CrossFit
I pushed myself really hard today! I have yet to be anywhere close to the Rx or prescribed weight, but this workout was a lot of reps but lighter weight which is more geared towards my strengths so I gave the Rx a try. The sumo dead lifts wouldn’t have been so bad if there wasn’t also a high pull. That’s what really slowed me down!. I didn’t finish the workout, but no one in the whole class did. We did deadlifts first, I think I did 135lbs. 4x6… then I attempted the following… but I’m still stepping the burpees, and I made it to calorie 43 so still had “67 reps” to go.

Got out of work, and ran from school. It was the first time I went for a run outside a 400m radius. I did a full out and back in about 10:40 pace. It was the first time I ran a hill. My plans to run the Turkey Trott were contingent on surviving a hill, so I signed up after this run. Might have cried a bit. I’m crying every time I run. I really can’t believe it. Obviously when I first was treated I believed it was possible, but having such severe sharp pain after 2 treatments made me afraid it was something else…. Now I’m back to really being so surprised to be here….

Wednesday: off
​I had the sweetest little day with Maebel. I planned to make “12 Days of Christmas Crafts” for my nieces and nephews — we can’t always see each other for Christmas, especially with the pandemic, so I thought kiddos doing the same crafts and parents sharing pictures through texts would be a good way to feel together while apart. Raea didn’t want to go to the craft store with me, but Miss Maebel did, so Raea stayed with Matt and Maebel and I picked up my race bib and wandered around the craft store for inspiration. Not going to lie- my shins weren’t too happy. I’m feeling like I need more Botox to help my shins, but I’ll have to wait. Shin pain is my life- as long as the lightning bolt pain stays away I can manage until after the holidays when we might have money.

THURSDAY! Turkey trott! 29:45/9:30ish
​I’m not surprised I was able to run faster in a race environment, but I am surprised actually how hard it was with hills and my cardio fitness was finally challenged. Could I run faster cardiovascularly? Yes. But honestly, not much! I’m 50+ lbs heavier than I’ve ever been and with the hills that weight was noted! That might be another factor with my shins. I probably will do every two days a run instead of every other day until I feel more sure about the source of shin pain. Is it Botox waning? Or is it just an increase in load that I’m adapting to… or both. Probably both.

This is a far cry from my two other times at this race… one I ran one of my fastest road 5ks while pregnant in 18:09… the other I won in negative temps (but pulled calf on cool down), but this one was the only one I cried happy tears for.

Push-up contest-78 push-ups?
​I haven’t participated in the push-up contest for a while because for sometime I thought all my injuries were pelvic floor related, and didn’t feel comfortable doing them. I SUCK at pushups, I’m heavier than ever, but What the Hell.

Round 1 everyone takes turns and does 1 push-up. Round 2 everyone does 2 and so on. I got to round 13… and it ended in round 33… so do the math! … the goal is to go to failure… maybe with CrossFit I’ll do better next year.

Friday- REST
I thought about going to CrossFit because I skipped Wednesday in order to be less sore for the race… but with my shins being so sore on Wednesday I wanted to see how they were after. They weren’t sore walking around on Friday, but I made sure to do an epsom salt bath and massage/foam roll just to be safe.

Saturday- Rest
it Snowed, no sense in risking slipping. Also I’m feeling like my shins will need two days off for a while. Possibly until I get more Botox-to be determined…. But the girls enjoyed playing outside, doing some crafts… , and I scrolled shopping online all day.

Sunday- 3 miles.
shins a bit sore- warmed up- pretty sure it’s the compartment syndrome…. But also I’ve spent my entire life managing this type of pain so again—— as long as the lightning doesn’t strike I’m fine— but sore shins typically are a precursor to that shooting pain, not going to do anything crazy, considering the alter G again… we’ll see. Either way I’m incredibly happy to actually feel like I have a solid plan. Will I make it to Boston? I don’t know…. But the McGinley method is going to work, that’s for sure.

So that’s another week! Not too much running, but brick by brick!

My last post was intense, I know. After all I’ve gone through the last thing I want is for someone diagnosed with fPAES to get a recap of recovery with rose colored glasses, so it was important to tell the whole story… several people mentioned with good intentions in DMs that if it’s making me feel like I want to self harm, maybe I shouldn’t try to run anymore and suggested other things to try, …. But again: It’s more than running…. This is a condition that is not caused by running, but if I can’t run, it indicates to me I haven’t really healed. Over time my arteries can be damaged and legs deteriorate. Some people end up with amputation… so it’s not about running, but running is strong indicator for me on my progress so it really got me down… and then it seems some of my pain was potentially from nerves healing!
So this whole time I’m getting worse pain than before it’s because healing was actually taking place. The more you know… anyway….

LAST POST was an abbreviated version of the darkest time since my diagnosis… this week was MUCH BETTER! I originally envisioned writing an old school training blog… but training never started! Count this as Boston base building WEEK 2!

Monday: CrossFit
Why do I feel like runners are eye-rolling at me “cross fitting”…put your judgmental eyes back in your head, It’s been fun! Fun and very challenging is what I need! But ironically just when I started to feel good about it I can run again. Isn’t that just the way things work…..
We started with 5 rounds of 6 reps benchpress (every 2:00)… I’ve never really bench pressed before… I’ve done some with dumbbells, but never (formally) with a barbell so I kept it light. 5x6 summed like a lot, I should have done more than 70lbs, NEXT TIME!
Then we did a metcon- which was significant cardio so it was pretty solid for me. Again probably could have done closer to the prescribed weight, but so much of this is new to me so I’m not sure how the weight will compound across the workout. I also keep assuming we need to pick a weight we can do with no breaks. But we can put the breaks wherever we need to just need to complete the workout in the allotted time. I don’t like breaks though!
12 DB hang clean and jerks (50/35) 8 chest to bar pull ups 12/10 cal row

the metcon was:
10 rounds of

• ​12 dumbbell hang clean and jerks. I alternated because running alternates. The Rx was 35lbs, I did 25lbs.
  
• 8 chest to bar pull ups- I can’t do 8 chest to bar yet, and can’t jump so I did the ring rows
• then 10 calorie row.
  

we had to complete in 25 minutes, I did it in 21:50ish. My runner brain is starting to come back and actually monitor the clock.

Tuesday: Run 2.5 miles- 10:32mi
​I went really slowly today. I feel like I have little inside out characters in my brain with a control panel that connects to my muscles and each day they push the same old buttons to control the same toxic sections of my calf that caused this disaster… and then when the muscles don’t work they are perplexed and slam on some other buttons on the panel until something responds. There’s an extreme disconnect from brain to body… and that discomfort isn’t fun for me. I can’t tell what is good and what is bad; what to push through and what to “honor”… but Dr. McGinley said to push through it… so I’m trying! It’s like that nightmare with the cinderblocks but worse! And somehow I’m still so grateful and really complain!

Wednesday: CrossFit
Worked super hard for this one. Again I finished quite quick because I pick weight I don’t need breaks for for the duration of set. Lots of Deadlifts… But I definitely compromised form a bit. Next time I’ll take breaks and slow it down. I’m still a bit of a newbie, so I’m afraid to finish last. Middle of the pack for me! 😅

Thursday: BEST RUN YET! 3.1 miles/10:05
​I had no babysitter, the girls were at my moms but she had class. Back to the grind of getting it done no matter what! I took the girls to the playground in the back of my school (right next to my moms)… it has a great gate, is super safe, and is right next to a decent enough sized parking lot…. So I ran loops around the playground and lot while keeping an eye on them. It was pretty easy. It was a really nice day and they loved playing outside. Those little inside out guys at the control panel seem to be skipping the step where they try to summon the toxic sections of calf muscles, and they are skipping right to the new firing pattern instead. Running felt a teeny tiny bit more natural, and no pain at all today! I hit 3.1 and collapsed in tears. WHAT???! How!!!? Not only is it a surprise I can do this at all but I’VE LITERALLY NEVER BEEN PAIN FREE! All those years in high school and college my “shin splints” were this! It’s like glasses for the first time (which I forgot to mention I finally am getting) Do I think poof I’m better? NO of course not! But This whole time the Botox didn’t feel like it was working, I contemplated my next move. My gut was telling me another Botox treatment, but my wallet was telling me give up… the support group was sharing surgery after surgery… all seemingly going well… then suddenly someone from a few months ago shares they are scheduling a revision, it takes a really long time to even be mobile enough to know if surgery “worked” … they essentially just guess how much calf muscles to cut out… I just couldn’t unlearn what McGinley has taught me… and now it’s just so remarkably clear what my next move will be if and when symptoms resurface. I’m just so thrilled. I can’t even describe it.

I also was officially accepted into the Boston Marathon today- I knew I’d get accepted, but it’s more real than ever because of today’s actual run. Wow!

Friday: off
Matt had some important meetings today so although I really wanted to go to CrossFit; I took the day off. My legs felt great during the run yesterday, but I woke up with shin pain today. I don’t know if that’s just normal “I’m out of shape and weigh 50lbs more than the last time I ran this far” fatigue, or if it’s related to the compartment syndrome and I need Botox again sooner rather than later—-it’s just so hard for me to judge when I’ve never experienced training without this condition. It feels normal, but my normal was never normal so I’m monitoring closely and making sure we get the money together to pull the trigger on Wyoming sooner than February if needed.

Saturday- Rock Climbing
​I haven’t climbed in a while so I didn’t climb too long- just 90 minutes or so. I stick to relatively easy climbs and messed around on some ungraded climbs. My shins were still sore when I work up but felt better as the day went on.

SUNDAY! Happy birthday to me! 3.1 miles!
​This was the first run I didn’t just loop a parking lot. For my birthday I wanted to do a real run. I drove to my favorite trail and just went for it! Felt great! Emotional! More happy than scared today. I’m quite certain I’ll need another treatment, but I’m hoping to make it to February because a. That’s a vacation week for me, b. That’s far enough out from Boston that I’ll have time to adjust c. It’s close enough to Boston that Ill feel more confident in the Botox still having an effect, d. It gives us time to secure the money and file for our tax returns. We’re willing to take out a loan but so far haven’t had to…

These miles were also the first ones I charged my watch for and actually felt like I dressed to run. My husband met me at the trail so we could trade off kids and he could run after— like the old days— it’s so cute how happy they are that I can run too. You never really know if kids are picking up on things or how they are impacted by something like this, but I can say with certainty that it’s been unfortunately weighing on them too, and it’s a relief to all of us that this path out seems more viable now.

Time to write training plans, and relax the rest of the day! I caved and put up the Christmas decorations early, but I’m glad I did because I just feel so joyful, I wanted to get this joyful season kicked off right away!

.......... At one point the guilt and pain and trauma of it all really came crashing down. I was having an out of body experience. My life was too painful and raw to actually live in my body. I looked down at myself collapsed on the floor trying to catch my breath, sobbing and screaming at the top of my lungs that I needed someone to help me.... Knowing full well this certainly isn't the end of the world, but paradoxically, at the very same time feeling like it very well could be. I could feel the presence of the voice in my head telling me to pull myself together but I couldn't actually hear it and certainly couldn’t listen to it at all. Rock bottom just got lower..... And man, I had to find a way out...... ​

I haven't updated in a while because this experience has been pretty painful. I feel like every time I write about it I need to qualify my pain by telling anyone reading that I know I'm not dying I *technically* know it's not the end of the world or my life... and that there's so much to live for.... but it's not hyperbolic to feel like you're slowly dying or your life is in slow decline when you can't live out any of the things you imagined you could or would be able to do and every direction you turn to try and weather the storm has barriers that are too high...

I've been struggling with depression and despite leaving messages and sending emails to a long list of therapists, it's basically just been me trying to figure this out myself and feeling immense guilt anytime I have to lean on anyone else or burden anyone that doesn't do this for work with my seriously not so serious problems.... But it's also the number one thing on my mind at all times. It's a giant ghost in the room that only I can see.... I know a lot of people think "it's just running"... I know that's how this is all perceived... because not being able to run is the indication that I'm not better... and that I've mostly just put the running aspect of this out to the world, but it's so much more than running.... and there.... now that I've got that disclaimer out of the way I can fill in what I've been up to. 

I left off less than a week out from my EMG. The EMG was something sort of on a checklist of things to do to just verify there's not any severe nerve damage. The support group had already warned me it's unlikely they find anything because similarly to finding fPAES in the first place, they can't really assess intermittent symptoms. I'd occasionally be getting these shooting pains walking around but at this point I stopped running or doing ANYTHING that had intense plantar flexion. I walked carefully upstairs and downstairs and asked for help or got a chair if anything was out of reach. No standing on toes for this girl! In my head I told myself that if it *was* in fact nerve, there is literally nothing I can do to make it better except wait... ONE MILLIMETER PER DAY I told myself. So I wanted to do everything I could to not make it worse.... but this was hard. This meant no rock climbing which I was really getting into but felt I should put on hold since it did produce mild symptoms.  Meanwhile I set up a virtual appointment with McGinley. I completely trust him, but also need some answers on why this isn't working the way it is supposed to.

​

 The lack of exercise and daily hit of dopamine was really getting to me. The days were getting darker. My favorite season was here and my heart felt deep cutting pangs thinking about running in the trails with the falling leaves.... and whenever I thought about any of this I was reminded of what it was like to breathe. I've forgotten how to breathe. There were things I wanted to get done in our house, but we were still trying to climb out of the debt caused by the McGinley treatments that were working on paper but doing nothing to restore my mental state. So much guilt and feelings that I'm bad for my family followed me. Sometimes they even became self fulfilling prophecies because that feeling of guilt made me feel so badly that I reacted irrationally to many things my kids were doing because I just had no patience and no strength to carry any of it... and then those bad reactions snowballed and snowballed and snowballed.... It got ugly... Really ugly... wanting Matt to take the kids away from me so that they could move on and be happy.  Again, It sounds hyperbolic, but anyone that's been in the thick of it quite like this knows that rational thinking doesn't always win.  Feelings are powerful and valid and can real; they can really take control if you have no other method of handling the situation. I called a crisis hotline at one point because I was struggling so badly. I'm not trying to take my own life or anything but was feeling really unseen and most people in my life perceive me as very strong and because of that they just maybe don't know what the signs of me needing help look like.  I've been treading water for years now... but in the last few months I've been drowning, and ya know... drowning is quiet, drowning sometimes looks like swimming or looks like treading... but I just couldn't anymore. I needed someone to carry some weight for a second... but I couldn't unload that on my family or friends because then I'd just pick up some extra guilt along the way and the cycle would continue.

Probably because I was googling crisis hotline phone numbers an app was advertised to me called "I AM SOBER"... and I do not have an addiction problem but the app was advertised for people that are Suicidal... and they were keeping track of how many days since they self harmed. I haven't harmed myself technically, but I decided to write down some tangible things I do that tend to send me in a spiral, I wont define them here for you because it's personal... but my downward spiral is so entangled with guilt so certain things that I know cause me to feel guilty I pledged to not do anymore. Every morning I get a message to take a pledge... and then my reason why pops up. I'm 29 days "sober".... and it has really helped. I also have something to track progress on…. which definitely makes me feel like my whole life isn't getting worse everyday. Finally... some upward momentum.

A little momentum helped me a lot. I managed to get my insurance to reimburse me almost $5,000 which really lifted some of the guilt. I started to think of other things I could do to improve. I looked for convenient ways to workout. Communities to lean on. I signed up for the Crossfit down the street... Part of me afraid of the running community to turn their back on me, or more serious athletes that consider Crossfit to be a joke or dangerous or bad for you, and part of me giving all of that the middle finger because I need running behind me so I can move on. "Yeah, I'm not going to be a runner anymore" I decided, and Crossfit was working for me because I could modify in any way I needed. They know I can't run or can't jump and can't plantar flex in any way, but I didn't get into the reason why, and it's kinda nice to feel no pressure to perform and to just show up and do whatever I can. None of these people know I've been to the National Championships and was training to qualify for the Olympic Trials. I can just be a regular average person trying to improve their health.  The change in my mood was so obvious. Staying "sober" was easier, I barely remember to pledge each day because I'm starting to live my life again.... but  then comes the news that by 9 days, my qualifying time from 2019 will still count for the Boston Marathon.  Because of COVID my time is still eligible. How is this happening? I'm allowed to sign up on Monday November 8. My appointment with McGinley was scheduled for November 11 and the universe seems to keep putting McGinley in my path every single time I have to make a decision about the Boston Marathon. 

Monday November 8: 2 miles I had just watched a million posts and VIdeos about Tommy Rivs walking the NYC marathon after nearly dying from cancer. He was a 2:19 marathoner and it took him over 9 hours to complete it. I left my clothes for crossfit at home by accident.... Must have been the time change... I drove home to get them and decided... "ya know what, I have that appointment with McGinley coming up, I should skip crossfit and check if there's been any improvement running" I doubted it because my legs were feeling weird in crossfit, but also I've never done crossfit before. I thought "maybe that weird feeling is a sign things are better"... so I ran... and I made it 2 miles. I haven't done that or even close to that since before the pandemic. Last I tried to run without the alter G I couldn't even make it 2 consecutive minutes. I sobbed. WHAT KIND OF SICK JOKE IS THIS?!?? Just when I was ready to put it all behind me.... it's at my feet again.... I signed up for Boston.

Tuesday OFF- I felt normal my legs felt good all day.

Wednesday: 2 miles- Well I had a whole list of questions to ask McGinley on why this wasn't working and now I feel dumb... Is it working? I'm in disbelief so I was still going to ask my questions: I'm so scared to have hope again it's not a good feeling but also the best feeling....

Thursday: Meeting with McGinley. He says I'm out of the woods. He's not even sure I'll need to come back (I feel I will pretty soon) I asked all my questions, but none of them matter yet. I'm sure it's working now even though for months I was in the dark mad about the whole thing... wishing I got a pool instead. I'm still not sure if I can run the way I want to. It's completely bizzare feeling to run partially paralyzed, I can barely move... but I can breathe! Man, I didn't realize how much I relied on running in order to catch my breath. Weird, right?

Friday 2.5 miles: This is very weird, I'm scared. Two of my neighbors saw me. One knows the whole ordeal and cheered me on at my 11 minute mile pace. Tears welled. Another noticed my stride had changed quite a bit... I gave him the cliff notes version. Damn, I've been through a lot.... I can't even imagine life on the end of this and I'm trying not to.

Saturday OFF

Sunday 2.5 miles: I had some symptoms but so mild that I have to believe they are on their way out instead of on their way back... This felt better in many ways though. And wow... never thought I'd be so psyched to run tiny loops in a parkinglot... but here we are...

I don't know what the future holds, I certainly don't know if I'll run the Boston Marathon... but this is the first time I've been able to run when I signed up... so that's new.  And I know I got pretty heavy with the mental health stuff in this one, but I'm doing okay-ish now. Those moments you're in it are long and dark but when you look back they were much shorter than they seemed. 

I'm truly in new territory now... we'll see how this goes from here....... We are still paying off our credit cards so if you'd like to help us out and help me get to my next treatment (ideally february) check out the gofundme linked on the homepage.