Countdown to Boston: 6 Weeks to Go

I'm batch posting... So some of these weeks might be short updates and not much detail... Probably for the best since I probably include too many details too often, but anyway... Dr. McGinley made it incredibly clear that I was to run more. I explained that the nerve pain I felt keeps me from running... Like... Completely keeps me from running. But as we talked he explained that my EMG was clear so there was no actual injury to the nerve. I discussed the time that I lost feeling in my toes for 6 weeks and he did say I likely had damage then... And so anything I felt from here on out was more than likely like "bumping my funny bone"... because nerves behave differently. So anyway, I'm still not sure I fully understand, and not being able to see it on the scan I was like "what can I do other than keep trying"... and we did discuss that it's likely that I just might need a few days to recover and get back at it whereas before I need months to recover. So in my head I vowed that if I had the "nerve" pain I wouldn't freak out I would just take the time I needed and get back to it... Which would be super easy.... If I didn't sign up for Boston.... and if there weren't only 6 weeks (and two days) to go. 

Saturday 3/5: 1.25 miles
Dr. McGinley said it could take 7 days for the Xeomin to start working. I'm not on day 7 yet but I'm close... I went to Rock Climb but the gym opened at 9 and I was there at 8:30... So I did 15 minutes of walk running (1 minute on, 1 minute off) to start off. My legs felt okay, a little weird but much smoother than other injections... (at least I thought). I climbed for 90 minutes after and tried my new downturned shoes which I was freaking out because they force a plantar flexion, but it went okay! 

Sunday: 3/6 Off

Monday 3/7: 2 miles 13:35/mi
Officially one week from injections and man, this was rough. I didn't really feel fearful, but felt like it was so hard was any of it even worth it? But whatever... Just kept with it. It was raining and I did it anyway so that made me feel like I'm on a good path commitment-wise. 

Tuesday 3/8: 2.29 miles 12:21/mi
I was so frustrated with my run on Monday. It felt so slow that today I added in some "quick" surges. Got up to a whopping 8:40 pace for 20 seconds... but hey, it's something! 

Wednesday: 3/9 2.5 miles 11:42/mi
Snow! I've run in rain and now snow. this is my third day of running in a row... I've basically never done that... for a few years anyway.... so it felt validating. I don't know what I'm doing. I have the Boston Marathon on the schedule but I'm behaving recklessly with training... and kinda just feel like I have nothing to lose. I kinda want to push so hard that I'm more sure than I've ever been before that this is working... So I just keep going. Whatever. Every day I finish I say to myself "I live to see another day" as if every day might be my last because that's what I'm used to. 

Thursday: 3/10 2.7 miles 12:12/mi
Stubbornly running 4 days in a row just to prove to myself I can run 4 days in a row. I decided I would take Friday and Saturday off from running and run a 5k on Sunday I nervously signed up but, fuck it. I keep telling myself I have nothing to lose so I'm going for it. 

Friday: OFF
I had therapy today. I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression. Having anxiousness and flashbacks from all the calf trauma... All the moments growing up that I told myself I was a wuss, that I wasn't tough enough because I couldn't ignore the pain that I thought was the same as everyone else. I don't know. I'm struggling more than I've let people see at this point but... Just trying to keep going. 

Saturday: Rock Climbing. 
Almost sent a V4 but couldn't quite get it. My footwork has improved and the new shoes definitely help on slab, but still sketchy AF. 

Sunday: 3.1 Celtic 5k: 10:52/mi
It's been gradually creeping in and the therapy session certainly confirmed it, but I did not really enjoy this. I tried to, I really did... But the noise from the crowd, and the section of the race I was in was full of kids and people that don't really pace evenly which was creating anxiety because people were stopping abruptly and then I was afraid I would stop abruptly and then I was reminded of the time I pivoted to say hi to my grandmother and pulled my calf.... I wish I had my headphones on to help me veg out. It was also like 15 degrees out and historically really cold temps are awful for me... BUT! I made it! And I was so happy! But also realizing that I'm going to be doing a HELLUVA lot more loud and slow and similar miles to this in a lot more stressful situation... So I need to find a way to trust this more and shake this anxiety but really I think it's only growing. Not at all what I expected it would feel like to run again. TO actually run again. But whatever- day by day. The parade was after so we walked a bit. Might have been freaking out about the walk… so went to a cafe and waited for Matt to finish his long run to come get us.

Overall a VERY successful first week back. I ran a total of 12 miles, did 4 consecutive day, and ran a race. By all accounts, theres no reason to feel upset buuuuuut........ Trauma doesn't give any F's about my rationalizations. I think the only way to get passed this is to keep going though. Ugh.