Rounding a Corner
This week was SOLID (well, until the weekend...)! It was the first week I really felt like I could push. I shared my blog with three people that DM’d me on Instagram and in the support group. I’m so glad I’ve committed to documenting in great detail because even though no ones experience will be exactly like mine, I think it can help to see the whole story not just the highlights. This week, though? Mostly highlights. This is the week I thought I’d have after the Botox set in. I underestimated how hard my brain has had to work to figure this all out, but I think the biggest challenge is going to be knowing when to push and when to not and that's getting easier as I’m able to push more.
Monday May 24, 2021
So here’s a little weird piece of info I haven’t shared. Every day at recess duty I do all my mobility and single leg drills. My coworkers endearingly make fun of me but even they notice I’m getting better! My Achilles is still acting a bit sensitive, and I’m terrified to screw anything up... but I’m committed to doing something every day even if it’s just recess drills.... So here’s a pic of me living my best playground duty life.
Tuesday May 25, 2021
After work all I’ve ever wanted to do is sit because my legs would be lava and have a visible pulse from throbbing, and my feet would be numb... so habitually I get home and want to get right to that.... but that lava feeling is so gone I wonder if it was as bad as I thought? Did I imagine it? Short term memory sure is something. Like a woman instantly forgetting how bad labor is... some traumas are better off forgotten... and I’m hoping that’s the case with the physical pain, but unfortunately emotional turmoil and scarring still feels raw. Tiny things people said on the internet still hurt... and I’m not easily hurt... but people literally were commenting on forums about how crazy I was. Here’s a tip for anyone watching someone suffer who wants to suggest it’s all in their head: by the time YOU have come to that conclusion THE PERSON YOU’RE CALLING CRAZY HAS ALREADY CONSIDERED THAT OPTION! Anyway, I’m know I didn’t make this up but I’m so hardwired into thinking a lot of it is in my head that I now find myself trying to convince myself that I haven’t made much progress... that I was never in that much pain. “You were just a wuss”... ugh.. can I ever shake that narrative? I don’t know. After work can no longer be my time to recover my legs... it’s gotta be fine to push them. I took out the agility ladder and got to work with a pair of sidekicks..... I also did a story with the ultrarecovery massage gun on Instagram then they sent me a 20% off code. This shit works!
For more info visit ultra-recovery.com/ and use “GERMAIN” for 20% off! I find foam rolling the calves and shins a pretty tricky location but this accesses it well!
Wednesday May 26, 2021
Night time was a bit disastrous... both girls came down with fevers and coughs. I don’t know how far into the future someone will read this looking for info on the McGinley method-I was reading blogs from 6 years ago and posts on old forums from even further back... so hopefully the coronavirus is just an epidemic or less... but at this point in time mask mandates are being removed everywhere because about 60% of eligible adults are vaccinated... but kids still aren’t... and Raea is in school at full capacity so... I WORRY! Unlike many other people and parents I’ve chosen to err on the side of caution for the most part, but did send Raea to school. We went to get tests to ensure it’s not Covid. Some have called me sheeple, and I’m like “excuse me, I traveled halfway across the country and dropped an exorbitant amount of money on a procedure only a small subset of people know about that isn’t FDA approved.... NOT “sheeple”. (Insert eye roll)”... but the tests were negative thankfully!... once we got back I did drills in the driveway... things did feel pretty good so I tried running the length of the driveway and even that felt good... so I did it a few times but didn’t want to push my luck. Calves were still a bit wonky and honestly I still can’t hop on one foot without feeling like there’s gonna be a problem... I’m not sure how much of that is learned distrust and fear or real concerns. It’s crazy how much I’ve programmed my body and brain to resist certain movements. My brain has sent out so many signals that said “no single leg hops ever again... we did not like that” that now I can’t figure out how to override that. 🤷🏻♀️ Hard to tell if its weakness or perceived weakness. ....I’m afraid to screw up! So the second anything felt worse on one side than the other I pulled the plug.
Thursday May 27, 2021
The girls felt much better by the time we got their Covid tests yesterday, but since at least Raea can’t go back to school until she’s fever free for 24 hours I had to keep her home and therefore I stayed home. This was going to be my first full week of work but I ended up taking two days for the kids. They were 100% fine all day though so lots of me sending them outside to play so I could keep the house clean. I didn’t do much but committed to something everyday. I gave calf raises a try thinking the Botox would have the bad muscles frozen so I could build up the rest... but fast forward to when I’m writing this... and calf raises are one of the “do not do” things. So I won’t do those again, but it was an interesting way to pinpoint some of what I’m feeling. Matt took Maebel to his moms overnight. We’re still in childcare limbo for her. Matts job is pretty much back to normal, but I don’t want to add the expense and risk of daycare for her right now... so since he was going to be working up north near his moms they were overnight and if was just Raea and I.
Friday May 28, 2021
10 x 1 minute walk/1 minute run
Raea and I went back to school today! I didn’t do my recess exercises because on Fridays we order out and I ate A TON! Plus I had to break up a few playground fights... so I actually had to monitor recess more carefully. I’ve felt low energy all day- I suspect I’m getting sick with whatever got Raea and Maebel so my plan was just to go home and chill out, my default after years of pain... but I got a call from the nurse, Jen from Dr. McGinleys. I wasn’t expecting another one yet, I thought week 6... so I was really hoping to have more to report. She basically told me I should be running. I was hesitant, and scared, abd told her my fears about the weakness and she told me I had to run to get past that. I’m not the type to let fear hold me back. After some criticism on Instagram for trying to run when it was clear my stability wasn’t good and then having some limping, I second guessed it all! I keep having to remind myself that I wasn’t injured all these years. I had a condition. Anyway. I immediately got changed and ran loops in my driveway while Raea rode her bike since my husband still wasn’t home. I turned on the strava app but clicked away from it and just used the timer on my phone to go off every minute and kept count. Strava only recorded 14 minutes or so so there’s obviously a satellite issue near my house, or i was going so slow it thought I wasn’t moving... possible. 🤣... but I was very happy with this! I did the usual recovery stuff at night. Massage gun, rolling etc. etc... had some throat tea...the shop is sinking, I’m for sure getting sick!
Saturday May 29, 2021
WELL, my kids were sick with some kind of non-Covid virus, as kids often are.... and WOULDN’T YOU KNOW, on the EXACT day Massachusetts removes mask mandates, Matt and I are both sick! No longer an “I think I’m getting sick” or “I’m not 100%”... we are... SICK and it’s below 40 and pouring rain. I didn’t go anywhere or do anything, but Matt went to the store to get tissues, cough drops etc... and you better Believe we are masking up a bit longer! I’m not sure how long it will be until all masks are removed, Massachusetts is the least vaccine hesitant state, and third highest vaccination rate, but I’m hoping cold abd flu season people will wear masks if they don’t feel well and I’m hoping I can put a mask on a child if they are blatantly ill and in school. But I’m getting side tracked- all this to say the only thing I really did is rest... even my husband did, which is unusual. I really want to run again and get into and every other day situation so if I rest I thought maybe by Sunday afternoon I could circle my driveway again.
Sunday May 30,2021
Wow, sleep was elusive. For once I’m not kept up from my throbbing legs but instead my throbbing head. Another freezing cold day with a head cold doing next to nothing. Hit up all the recovery tools for Instagram... my brother moved his gathering to Monday because of the rain so maybe we’ll feel better. The day started brutal but by the end I felt less sick and more annoyed than anything. Why the F is it so cold and why am I sick? Is this Gods way of intervening with lifted mandates? I don’t really know. Hopefully I can run or climb tomorrow. We will see! Stay tuned for next week!!
Welcome to my blog! I've been blogging for a long time on various platforms. My intention has never been to reach the masses, but rather to give myself a chance to reflect and journal. I feel it at least challenges me to be somewhat coherent, however you can expect ramblings and grammatical incorrectness here!
I've recently been diagnosed with CECS and fPAES and had it treated with BOTOX of all things... So I suspect to see more and more people looking for answers with that in the future and hope to continue blogging so there will be easy to access follow-ups as that was helpful for me.
NOTE: Apologies that some of the pictures incorrectly load sometimes. I try to keep up with the glitches, but can't always! Hope it doesn't impact the blog experience for all the PAES visitors.