Here is an blogpost that demonstrates me being a headcase circa 2011.... I'm still a headcase 8 years later, but it's all centered around my injuries and the confusion of being "semi-injured" all the time. Right now, I haven't run in over a month... not because I can't, but because "been there, done that" I already know based on the first step out of bed that my foot is going to eventually be a problem when I hit peak mileage.... so right now I'm in a happy place because I have a concrete plan (wait until orthotics and then proceed with hope and caution). There isn't really much part of me lacking motivation, but my body continues to say no. If I knew then what I know now conversations like below would never occur. My children have been the cure to the below problem of procrastination. I used to think I was busy and tired.... but man, I was wrong! Enjoy the struggle of a privledged mid 20 something girl who’s biggest stressor was her daily run.
February 3, 2011
I'm a headcase...
Here are my text message exchanges after work today... Sure I could have spent that time a bit more wisely... but at the end of the day, I did what I needed to do... I RAN.
3:50 John- Not sure if I want to run roads today what are you thinking?
3:52 RE John- I'm interviewing at the gym. Hill reps after
4:46 RE John- Got a new job. ZERO motivation to run!
4:47 John- Congrats but run anyway!
5:02 RE John- I'm lazy and cold... I'll think about it
5:07 TO Matthew- I can't run
5:07 Matthew- Neither can I... What is up with you?
5:08 RE Matthew: Lazy
5:10 RE Matthew: I'm supposed to do hill repeats and I don't want to. Roads are terrible. I'm depressed over this
5:11 Matthew- Just run up and down your street. Who even cares if you go fast
5:11 RE Matthew- I am too cold
5:12 Matthew- Put on my f state sweatshirt. That thing is warm
5:13 RE Matthew: It's at home. I'm at my parents... Maybe I'll go home
5:14 Matthew: It might be better to run around the college there. Safer, and more light
5:15 RE Matthew: I don't want to run :( I got a job though...
5:15 Matthew- That is cool. You will have more money
5:16 RE Matthew: More Friends.
5:18 RE Matthew: I'm lazy. I need a kick in the rear. I just don't want to run.
5:19 TO Caitlin F: At my parents whining about a run I need to do. Wanna run?
5:20 Matthew: You do... Just go do it and you can complain about it all you want while you are running
5:22 RE Matthew: I just want to run without guilt and complaining :( I feel burdened.
5:22 Matthew- Running helps with that
5:24 RE Matthew: ........ I seriously have issues......
5:25 Caitlin F- Sorry, Class
5:25 RE Caitlin F: Darn
5:26 Matthew- You can run for me. I want to run so badly
5:27 RE Matthew: NOT FAIR! Makes the guilt worse!!
5:29 TO Matthew: YES! JANE NEEDS TO RUN!
5:34 Neel- Run at 6:30ish?
5:35 RE Neel: Running with my sister at the college
5:59 John- 10 Minutes. Now! I just did 8 miles in 61:30. You can surely go 10 minutes
It's not that I don't want to run at all... I just want running to be fun and free. When I run with company, it keeps my mind off of the "training." I didn't do my workout, but I don't care. At least I ran! I got in 45 minutes with Jane, and it went by really fast. I just have to focus on one step at a time.
Glad I'll get to work at Central Rock! This will give me an opportunity to meet new friends who AREN'T runners, but are still fit and healthy. I'm excited :)
This was the type of conversation I'd have everyday inside my head... "I don't wanna, I can't, I'm too cold, this sucks, why am I doing this?" Since I entered this sport as a High School athlete, then went on to run collegiately at the National level, I never really made my own choice to run, I always had to. I graduated college in 2006 and finished my eligibility in 2007 as a grad student, and it took a very long time to find my new why. Some people take a break after college and rediscover their love for the sport later. They find their why in the down time... I found my why while still training and competing which was really conflicting at times. Some days (most days) I just wasn't motivated to go on my own. I always thought that this meant I wasn't dedicated, but I was. Every day I still got it done regardless of my flip-flopping emotions. After having my children my motivation never waivers this strongly. I just hope that I can find my way to healthy running again... but if not, I will retire in the climbing gym. That was a cool side job and a cool new hobby I'd love to pick up again.
Welcome to my blog! I've been blogging for a long time on various platforms. My intention has never been to reach the masses, but rather to give myself a chance to reflect and journal. I feel it at least challenges me to be somewhat coherent, however you can expect ramblings and grammatical incorrectness here!
I've recently been diagnosed with CECS and fPAES and had it treated with BOTOX of all things... So I suspect to see more and more people looking for answers with that in the future and hope to continue blogging so there will be easy to access follow-ups as that was helpful for me.
NOTE: Apologies that some of the pictures incorrectly load sometimes. I try to keep up with the glitches, but can't always! Hope it doesn't impact the blog experience for all the PAES visitors.