Second Trimester: Fit Pregnancy

I initially thought that after I was done with the first trimester anxiousness I would blog each week the way I did when I was pregnant with Maebel.... But most of the people who read my blog at this point DGAF about most of my pregnancy and I don't have the time... So I'm just going to blog the three trimesters and recap anything relevant to my fitness and PAES during pregnancy. Second trimester flew by but I'm not even a week into third trimester (depending on the app you use, I've deleted most for my mental health... too many scary things in forums!) and suddenly It feels like it's slowed down.  As always, I remain active on instagram so I have documented my pregnancy weekly there. Not with much enthusiasm or detail, but for weekly updates that's the place to go. For this post I'm literally going to share screenshots of the weeks, add any summary blurbs I can recall, and then summarize how I'm generally doing with PAES a year out from my last botox treatment and pregnant. 

Week 15:  

I already did a blogpost about this week in my initial ambition to blog weekly... But just to have everything organized by Trimesters.. Here it is: 

Week 16
At first, I was feeling generally positive. Confident I could maintain a small exercise routine, but now that everyone knew I was pregnant and I was back at work the anxiety was suddenly even higher and sadness and fear were creeping up again. It's weird how triggering "congratulations" can feel after two consecutive losses. The urge to say "thanks but this is torture so don't even talk to me" was high. I was still going to therapy regularly to address this but it all seems futile. Just a one day at a time thing... Afraid to say too much about my true feelings and jinx things... afraid to feel anything at all... Hard. But I got movement in. For the first time since before I got Covid, I tried to run... and for the first time in God knows how long... it was completely on my own two feet. Short intervals of running with 10 second walks... Damn. It is like drugs for me! But my bump is already pretty heavy and I still have residual groin pain from my pregnancy with Maebel... and really don't want to go down that road again. Legs? I don't know. Okay? 

Week 17: 
Another week of dealing with the urge to scream at everyone to stop acknowledging my pregnancy. Every time they did I had no ability to filter out the words "yeah but this is impossible because I had two miscarriages before" making it uncomfortable for everyone- myself included- but I wasn't in a place where I could be happy...  I needed to tell everyone I was pregnant, but more than anything I had not talked about the miscarriages and I needed people to know. But no one wants to hear about it... It was just such a long stretch of people not understanding why I was out of touch and lacked the ability to give a fuck about anyone else's problems.  No one knew about what I lost and I was still (am still) grieving and working through it all. 

Week 18: 
Matt traveled this week. It was the first time I've really been alone since I told people about the pregnancy. Mentally I'm doing better overall (?) but when my baseline was calling crisis hotlines on myself... and having to have knives moved away from me because of my intrusive thoughts (that I truly don't have the intention to act out on, but even seeing the knives just was a trigger for really scary thoughts!) doing "better" is still not great. But the week was full of surprises. Early releases from school, a snow day, and a delay really made it all more manageable. Work stresses me out a lot and being around people is hard... so it was nice to have more time with just the kiddos. By the end of the week the snow was mostly gone and I did Peloton walk/run in my ears. Just for my own sanity. Legs felt good and so did pelvis! Though I did notice the next day I have a bit of shin pain so.... Not great... But not bad. 

Week 19
Well...So much for my pelvis feeling okay. I started experiencing some prolapse after the 1 hour ride on Week 18. I am really good at correct pelvic floor engagement when I walk and lift... and even run! But the bike makes me numb or changes my awareness of my pelvic floor in a way that I think impacts my ability to control those muscles... and my back was sore, I couldn't go to the bathroom, I was freaking out that my cervix wasn't going to stay closed and I'd have my water break early... I googled things I shouldn't google... and all around was back to freaking TF out. BUT I stuck with my plan to exercise every day (physical or mental) and do a peloton streak. So meditation it is! And man, I needed it! 
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Week 20: Rock Bottom 
Maybe not TRUE rock bottom, but by far the worst I've felt in a long time. This was the week I was supposed to get the anatomy scan. The scan that will either offer me the most relief so far, or give me more to worry about. I hoped for the best, but my scan was friday and I had the whole week of living on a knifes edge to wait for this thing. One of the days at work a student was sick. I sent him to the nurse and he did not meet enough criteria to be sent home and the next day tested positive for covid. I was about 80 days out from my last infection which was BRUTAL and I needed an IV for... and then I also got Covid. So did more than half my class. I had to postpone my anatomy scan and now was freaking out about the baby and it's health and how the placenta could be impacted with two infections in one pregnancy! I have had my fair share of feeling frustrated and stressed about work but this took the cake. I almost quit that day but realized I had a vacation around the corner and I should reevaluate after that. It gave me a lot to think about with regards to my priorities and how much my job has hurt my physical and mental health across the last year. Now I have lost 10 days  between the two infections of being able to get paid to bond with this baby (who I haven't bonded AT ALL with in utero) on top of the 5 days I used for miscarriage. Salt in the very deep wounds. Recalling the trauma of my babies not taking the bottle and going to work wondering if they were starving everyday... Feeding them in the car parking lot when I could run out for 10 minutes since they wouldn't eat any other way... and the mental toll it took on me... and now I'm looking down the barrel at having to do that 15 days earlier because this damn country doesn't GAF about anyone. Anyway. At least covid was way way less severe this time... and I'm not gonna lie- I liked being alone in my room, getting to sleep, and my husband bringing me food and my friend delivered cupcakes that I didn't share with anyone.  So... It was horrible... but I did find a silver lining 

Week 21!
IT'S A GIRL!  Finally, the moment I had been waiting for since June... A healthy anatomy scan! Maebel got covid again the day I had the scan but my mom watched the girls with masks. Thankfully. I had the week off from work... Which I spent most of it keeping everyone isolated from Maebel so we didn't miss our Disney on Ice, and thankfully by the end of the week we were a covid free home at last. I've switched mostly to body weight exercises after the prolapse but still tried to make this week a bit better than the covid week. 

Week 22: 
Everything feels a little easier now. Having the healthy anatomy scan, knowing the baby is a girl and what her name is... I felt motivated to put together a beautiful nursery and pour the love I had on hold out of fear into it. Exercise was secondary to the other physical activity I was doing... and it was A LOT of other things. But I still got this in. Legs get pretty sore by Friday... I work recess duty on Friday so I'm on my feet a lot more, and I don't know if it's Compartment syndrome, or if it's just because of the fatigue from pregnancy and weight gain... but I try to be mindful of the fact that it's not getting better anytime soon and incase it is CECS/PAES symptoms and not pregnancy alone... I need to preserve myself a bit. Long wayyy to go until I can get botox... or even take an ibuprofen. 
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Week 23
I thought this week would be super hard. This is the week my first pregnancy would be due. A handful of professional runners were due around the same time as me (Brenda Martinez, Kate Grace, Abby D, and Elle Purier... who was literally due the day before me) and I'm having a hard time not waiting for something in my feed to pop up from them... But I shockingly handled the actual Day (March 5) well. By I was anxious about what I'd feel like. I think the difference of before anatomy scan and after has been significant. Starting to see the baby I have as separate from the ones I lost really helped me detach from feeling like "that could be me" when I see others having their babies. Because yes, it could be me, but it wouldn't be *this* baby that now had a name... and a home... and three adorable paintings my kids and I made for her. A feeling that continued to linger though was the short amount of time I would get off from work. It felt directly linked to the trauma of the miscarriages because had I not miscarried I'd be off work all the way until August... and instead I not only lost two babies... I lost a lot of time.... and since I spent the first 20 weeks not bonding at all out of pure fear it really just feels like I've been robbed before she's even here. I keep going to therapy but I'm just really struggling emotionally with lost time and this feeling of sadness and anxiety about the future. 

Week 24
​Viability. Stay in there, baby.... But this week I'm very grateful to make it to this point. I labeled the week wrong,  probably a good thing I was losing track. I deleted my apps on my phone because too many people posting scary things. I'm at viability now and trying not to have any awareness of all that could still happen. As I'm sure you can tell... the exercising is just a thing I'm doing to anchor myself and to survive. I don't have any ambitions to achieve pregnancy fitness goals... We know exercise is good for the baby but it can also take it's toll on the body and make postpartum recovery harder if you overdo it... been there, done that.... and the more the baby grows the more I'm reminded of how much my running pregnant ambitions hurt. I'm not really doing enough to get a full sense of how my legs are... but really not interested in testing the waters when there's no solution for any of it. Just going to keep moving albeit slow. I'm actually doing more now than I did when I was super depressed looking for a diagnosis... so, I'm hoping the daily commitment even with the rollercoaster of ebbing and flowing anxiety and fears, will carry over postpartum. I already have so much fear for that given my previous experiences and the fact that I *still* have not truly reflected on the losses. Too scared to jinx it. 

Week 25 
I don't remember why I was so lazy this week. I just was. Maybe because I held my breath all the way to viability and now there's a bit of a crash.... but baby is moving A LOT and it makes me so happy. :) My legs hurt by the end of the week. I question if it's because there's more blood volume and I still have vein entrapment... and if it will get better when blood volume decreases... OR if it'll just say the same... OR if it'll just get increasingly worse and I'll be forced to stop breastfeeding earlier than I currently plan. TBD
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Week 26
Nicer weather! I got in a nice walk and felt good! I did hills which is not what I'd ever normally do... and my legs were fine-ish. Again, just hard to tell. Pregnancy is not exactly easy... and I know from using the lever that taking weight off really helped me... and now I'm the heaviest I've ever been... so it's no surprise it left me a little sore. Mostly shins, which leads me to believe it's compartment syndrome still. The thing is, I always had shin pain. I can last a long time with shin pain alone. Every time I went back to McGinley my vein was still at least somewhat compressed.. so I feel like that will be the last thing to "uncompress" ... I knew in June when botox was still active that this was still a problem... If I didn't get pregnant I was going to get another treatment in August. What I believe could have been my last... so my hope is that I have not gotten worse at all and just am experiencing the same vein compression but with a heavier body the forces needed to move are stronger.... so compression more intense. That on top of more blood volume making a greater mismatch of flow... Not going to test the theory too much right now... but Getting very curious about what postpartum symptoms will be like with support of the lever. 
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Week 27 
nicer weather, lighter evenings, no gestational diabetes... All good things this week! The gestational diabetes glucose tolerance test was the last major checkpoint for if I'm "high risk"... and... I'm Not! So from here till the end it's just movement, fueling, hydrating, and keeping that baby in as long as I can. I feel like she's doing really well, and I'm feeling a lot better about her arrival... So much so that I've even allowed myself to think a little beyond when she's here. 

CECS and fPAES Summary
Overall I'm feeling good about my legs and all my decisions. I don't touch base with my brother too too much, but he got the botox just one time for CECS when I last got it, and he did let me know he's had some of the best runs he's had in years. Years.  It gives me confidence that I can someday have that... or at least get to run for my sanity and not wonder if I need to stay close by incase my calves blow. I really don't care about being competitive anymore. I just want to get to experience more things with my kids that I couldn't do before - like hike a mountain, and stay generally fit because we only have one life. 

I knew probably in May when I started training for a 5k, that I'd need more botox or xeomin. I knew based on my symptoms that my artery was probably not entrapped, but my veins probably were. I have never had a scan where my veins weren't entrapped. My best scan was still way worse than my brothers scan... so I had a ways to go. August was the plan, but then after accidentally getting pregnant and then miscarrying... priorities shifted. Since I have to wait until after I'm done breastfeeding for botox (and the recommendation for breastfeeding is now 2 years) I don't really want to test the waters and see how "bad" OR good they are. My focus postpartum will be a healthy weight loss and strength training, and my fricken mental health. MENTAL HEALTH WILL BE MY NUMBER ONE FOCUS since I've really REALLY struggled this year I have a lot to unravel that I'm too afraid to address and "jinx". Then, as I approach 1 year (pending latch and supply is good.... but I'm already lactating so I'm sure supply wont be a problem) I'll evaluate. 

If my legs are managing what I do well then I probably wont rush back to Wyoming, but if the pain is obviously becoming problematic then I will probably stop nursing around 13-14 months and head to Wyoming August 2 years later than originally planned and before the school year starts. 

What's great is my husband training for an ironman we have a lot of other options. Family gym membership, pool access, peloton (which I thought I'd ride more pregnant... but it's just NOT comfortable), the lever system, etc. etc. Bike trainer... so... I'm going to make it work! 

I trust this process... Just took the scenic route and Feeling this little baby kicking away I have no regrets.