It's been a while since I wrote a birth story. Raea and Maebel's birth stories were very popular when I first posted them (before I even switched and moved over to my own domain!), so of course Iris need's one. I truly never thought this would be something I'd experience ever again... but so so so worth it. When I wrote Maebel's birth story I was still in the hospital. I just let it flow out of me and as I wrote it I realized that her birth story was an extension of Raea's birth story (which was fairly traumatic) and offered the healing I never knew I needed. Iris's birth story has that same healing quality related to all that came before her... the big difference here is I knew I needed it... and I'm just so so grateful to have made it to the other side....

If you're new to my blogposts, fair warning, they are always long. Every story has a back story, and the birth of Iris can't be told without hers. Also, since this blog has transformed into a resource for people with Popliteal Artery Entrapment Syndrome, and the condition has dominated my life since my last birth... It's important to back up and summarize how the ACTUAL F I got here. 

Although it's been nearly 6 years since I last gave birth, it feels like I was never quite able to live my life the way I wanted. Prior to having Raea I had a goal of qualifying for the Olympic Trials in the marathon before starting a family. At the time I was running 5k's, and 8k's pretty fast (17:00 and 28:47 were my PR's.... pre super-shoes) and I ran a debut marathon in 3:05 with minimal training. Shortly after, I slipped on some ice and ended up spending the next 2+ years trying to get a diagnosis for my knee pain (it felt like an eternity then, but is a laughably short amount of time after the PAES saga). Back then I didn't know how to navigate insurance and how to speed up wait times for specialists... but I ended up having Fat Pad Impingement Syndrome, and needed surgery. Just before surgery I was filling out paperwork and the question all women get every time they step foot in the doctors office "when was the date of your last menstrual period" stopped me in my tracks; shit, when *was* it? Low and behold, I was pregnant (failed protection). This was not the plan, but I pivoted and I ended up getting surgery in my second trimester and then was able to pretty smoothly transition back into running postpartum. After 2 years of not being able to train, it took some time, but I was running 65-70 miles a week and ready to break 3 hours at 9 months postpartum, then I planned to go after the OTQ before having a second baby to keep them close in age. Of course I didn't know what I know now, I ended up pulling my calf... the first major calf pull that significantly derailed my ability to run that I can recall, and that obviously the OTQ timeline I put together was off the table. Looking at the qualifying window and not wanting to wait nearly four years for another baby, I thought "well, if I want to OTQ, it'd be better to have the baby sooner rather than later and qualify after my second baby" so I signed up for a fall marathon and knocked out a BQ with a 3:05 for  after the baby. Matt thought I was crazy to push up having another kid so soon when we were still in the trenches of having and training with one... but this was the only way I could have both. It was not the plan I originally mapped out, but we went for it and in 9 months we had Maebel (even though it was our backup plan, getting pregnant with Maebel went exactly according to plan) .

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As documented all over the place in this blog, I ran all through my pregnancy with Maebel. Back then it was different than now. There was a lot of information regarding exercise in pregnancy and its impact on the babies health and development... but not too much about how exercise in pregnancy can effect the body, diastasis recti, and the importance of pelvic floor work. I didn't really know what I know now about warning signs that I was doing too much and I had a really tough time postpartum. I for sure ran too long and then was rushing myself to get back into shape and get that OTQ. I trained hard, would get fit and never make it to a starting line. No matter what I did all roads lead to a calf injury... and literally 5 years later after untangling some misleading theories about a link between my pelvic floor and calf injuries,  I finally got a diagnosis. This was very obviously not the plan. All throughout my hunt for a diagnosis, my mental and physical health declined, I lost a part of myself that grounded me and that made me who I was. A part of myself that gave me my family and that we planned on having integrated in our life. This life didn't feel like mine. The unknown was the worst part. It's not like I just got calf injuries... my legs got bad enough where basic functions were impacted. I struggled to walk up the stairs, I struggled to play with my kids, I boarder line abused alternating tylenol and advil just to get through work. I was in pain and therefore irritable, impatient, and a terrible mom... but I longed for another baby throughout those years. Having learned more about infertility due to people in my life struggling around me, I realized how abnormal it was to get pregnant so easy and with protection? Not normal... that's like a less than 1% thing. I had such an easy time getting pregnant and having a baby that I even pleaded with Matt that "I want another baby because that seems to be the only thing my body is good at"... but how could I bring a baby into the world with a mother who was physically and mentally declining so rapidly. At some point in the search for answers, when doctors were unclear what was wrong with my vascular system (though they knew it was something), I was told not to get pregnant. Matt was content with two children, but that was hard for me to hear. I felt like I had nothing to live for at times... and now the one thing I still left on the table that may be would bring joy was taken off... during a pandemic, no less. This was not the plan.  

This part of the story is well documented here, but having nothing to lose, I kept trying to find a diagnosis. I followed a hunch to Wyoming and had the clarity I needed. Having another baby at this point was not something I considered anymore. The treatment in Wyoming was going to take some time and by then I felt confident I'd be running again and that pang in my heart for one more baby and one more member of our family would fade away. Another year passed and I was still struggling to run but had made a lot of progress. I had just completed the Boston Marathon and my path and plan was clear. I was going to run again. I was going to be me again... This was the plan that would finally work! .... but then on June 25th I took a test. Two lines. I was pregnant. Who gets pregnant TWICE with protection? ... ME. Add this to the list of things I'm in the 1% for.... ​

This was not the plan and at first it rocked my world... but then I remembered than pang in my heart. I was going to have another baby! I knew what to do to heal my legs, and it would always be there for me... but wow, another baby. My heart, that had been locked in a vault afraid to feel anything, was wide open....  Until it wasn't. I miscarried. 

I remembered Dr. McGinley recommended waiting 90 days between a botox treatment and getting pregnant... and I got pregnant within the 90 days (something like 80 days)... I miscarried at 8 weeks pregnant so I was convinced that I could try one more time and it'll be fine. My heart now desperately wanted a baby. I couldn't "end" like this and statistics were well on my side, while miscarriages themselves are very common, two consecutive miscarriages are rare; especially if you've had no fertility issues and healthy pregnancies. I was able to conceive without even getting another period, but unfortunately I lost that one too. Not the plan. At this point I was convinced the 10 CTA's I had in the last year made it so I could never have a healthy pregnancy... but the doctor said I absolutely could and that this was a "lightning strikes" situation. Bad luck. It felt like lightning strikes everywhere for me. Rare stops feeling rare when you become the statistic. I decided I'd try one more time but it felt different this time. Once you have three miscarriages in a row you are referred to a reproductive endocrinologist... I knew that would be the end for me, I had been through enough medically speaking and would certainly not put my family through that... but right now I was still perceived to have no fertility issues... so I wanted to follow this all the way to the end... I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left one last chance on the table.... So we tried one more time... and that's where the story of Iris officially begins. 

My first ultrasound with Iris was at 7 weeks and 6 days. I had learned more about pregnancy loss than I ever wanted to know in a span of 2 months... So fresh in my mind, I've never had such anxiety in my life. So many what ifs. "What if there's no heartbeat? what if the heartbeat is low? What if it's measuring behind and I have to watch this life slowly fade away?"... but the moment I saw the screen I knew we had made it through a major checkpoint... but because of all I learned, every check point felt impossibly far away and I spent every moment of time counting down to the next check point.  

1.  Betas doubling
2. Heartbeat
3. NT Scan
4. Completing first trimester
5. Maternal Serum Screening
6.  Anatomy Scan
7. Viability
8. Gestational Diabetes Test
9.  Growth Scan
10. Group B Strep test

and finally.... Labor and Delivery

Somewhere around 20 weeks after my anatomy scan, I deleted apps and tried to stop reading everyones horror stories. I understood that the way my scans and lab work was going, everything was most likely perfect... but again, having been that minuscule side of the statistic so many times, I didn't trust or believe anything. I had read more about premature rupture of membranes than I wanted... and every day feared this would happen. Reaching 24 weeks felt monumental... but reaching 30 and then reaching 34 felt huge. Once I reached 37 I was ready. I started worrying about stillbirth and my age, and hemorrhage. I started thinking maybe she was safer outside than inside. I spent a significant of time worried about Interuterine Growth Restriction after contracting covid twice and having low Papp-a... but now I worried about the opposite. What if she's too big, what if her shoulders don't fit? What if my water breaks and she comes too fast and the cord is wrapped around her? I deleted all the apps, but I was still on social media and these rare stories become viral to the point where they feel normal... and again... rare stops feeling that way when you have been the rare one on more than one occasion. When lightning always strikes, what will stop it from striking this time? It wasn't fun... but I stopped posting and blocked instagram for certain times of the day once I hit 37 weeks and tried to forget about all the things that could go wrong and tried to, for once, accept that my baby was healthy and she's going to be here soon.

Around 37 and a half weeks I had contractions all day at work.  We had 3 days left of school (Thursday, Friday, and Tuesday). They weren't strong enough for labor but were extremely close together and didn't seem to stop. I went home anyway... there was a huge storm and I know barometric pressure does actually impact labor... but when I got home they were getting stronger and 3 minutes apart. Having had two babies, I knew they still weren't strong enough, but we were approaching bed time for my kids and my mom and I was trying to figure out what would be easiest. My mom told me to bring the kids to her house and just go to the hospital to check. Worst case scenario the kids sleep at her house for no reason and the hospital sends us home. My mom, having had 8 kids, is super understanding that you never know if it's labor and it can turn a corner fast. With Raea my contractions weren't manageable at all and I was still being told I wasn't in labor since my cervix refused to dilate... and on the other hand, with Maebel my contractions were really, really, manageable until suddenly they weren't and I was pushing out a baby what felt like minutes after being told I was only 5 centimeters. Polar opposite experiences. We went to the hospital and I was only 2cm. I was told she's still really high but that can change quick with a third baby...  We walked around a bit I did some squats etc. but then I was like "eff this, I want to go home and eat ice cream and have a baby during the day time for once"... so I stopped all things that could promote labor and went home. 

Things stayed pretty mild for the next week. I was annoyed. It felt like I was right there and then suddenly no contractions, no intense pressure, and no feeling like this will ever happen. I was able to finish school and get the house cleaned and every day the house was perfectly clean I was like "please be today" and I'd sit on a ball and do all the Spinning Babies tricks... and then when 4pm would hit I'd shut it all down, put the kids to bed, eat ice cream and watch TV. This was all getting really complicated with Matts workout schedule too. Don't ask why, but he's in peak training for his first Ironman, and the 7 hour workouts are stressing me out! I also hired a photographer and was relying on my mom for childcare. It just started to feel like all the moving parts around this weren't worth waiting for this to naturally occur. I scheduled an induction for a Monday 2 days before my due date... not only for convenience but also because of when my insurance starts. It would cost me $1500-$3000 more to have the baby after July 1, and I wasn't clear on how the overnight stays would work... so I gave myself a buffer... But every day there was NO SIGN of a baby coming and I was questioning being induced for money and convenience. I was having a hard time with this decision, and on Thursday I tried to induce labor by curb walking like a boss at the Sneakerama block party. I was 3/3 for going into labor at Sneakerama... can I keep this going? ... No, Nothing. Not even a single Braxton hicks. At this point I was not pleasant to be around and was back to scrolling the internet more than I should.

I can't explain it, but after the fun-run (curb walking) I just knew she needed to come on her own, Friday was Matts last day of work and Saturday I spent a whole day alternating all the spinning baby techniques to make this happen. Saturday night I felt contractions but they were Soooo far apart, it wasn't even worth timing.... 

I went to bed but never slept. Every time I dozed off I'd wake up to a contraction. Having no clue how far apart they were, but they felt pretty strong and pretty consistent. I looked up when the sunrise was, 5:12 am, and made it my goal to make it to sunrise. I cant explain it since the contractions were really far apart, but I just knew this was the beginning. I wanted them to stay far apart so that I didn't disturb anyone in the middle of the night. So I tried not to move. I didn't even drink water because I didn't want to go to the bathroom and squat or do a single thing that might move this along. I definitely wouldn't say I slept but I dozed enough to not really know exactly what was going on. Raeas prodromal labor definitely left a scar, it made it so I didn't trust what I felt so I resisted the timer and tried to just tune into myself. This was happening. I know it's happening. It's just a matter of how it unfolds from here. It's barely 2am. Still a long way to go to make it to 5:12. I occasional took "probe data" on contractions. They were about 12 minutes apart. I had time. Eventually, at some point they were close enough that I couldn't doze off anymore. I was anxious. I took a warm bath to see if it would help them slow down... and it didn't. They were consistently 9-10 minutes apart now. She was moving like crazy. I started googling if that meant labor... just looking for some confirmation (even though I intuitively knew) and even though the vast majority of things said increased movement was a good sign, I latched onto the one thing I read that said it could be baby in distress and it could result in a stillborn and to call hospital immediately. Then I started to panic ... especially whenever the movement stopped. Intuitively I knew I was just being crazy, but I couldn't escape the worry. I sat in her room in the rocking chair and cried to myself talking out loud to her telling her she needed to calm down and stop moving so frantically but also telling her I also needed her to keep moving just enough to let me know she was still alive. This is when I called Matt (who had been sleeping in the basement for weeks so we could both sleep better). I mostly knew Iris was still okay, but I couldn't be alone left with google and my intrusive thoughts. It was about 3:30am. 5:12 went from feeling not too far to impossibly far away at this point, but I really wanted the girls to get a bit more sleep and didn't want to have to call my mom and the photographer at this hour just in case things hadn't progressed as far as I hoped. Contractions were strong; gripping comb strong... but still 9-10 minutes apart giving me plenty of time to question if this was the "real deal". Again, the back of my mind still remembered Raea's birth and the prodromal labor from hell where I was in such agony and not dilating at all.  I was worried I'd go to the hospital and not be far enough along and I'd disturb everyone for no reason... 

By 4:30ish Matt had seen enough. The contractions were painful enough that I was swearing  as the contraction built, and then replacing the ability to make words with audible groaning in discomfort as it reached the worst, followed by more expletives as the contraction simmered down. Matt was ready to go, and I had lost track of time... All I knew was contractions were closer.... Sunrise wasn't technically until 5:12am, but the birds were chirping and daylight was approaching. He woke up the girls, I texted my mom... and just as we turned off our street I texted the photographer. It was 5:13am when I shot off that text. It wasn't intentional, but I laughed to myself that I made it exactly to the time I hoped to make it before having to send anyone a message. That weirdly went according to plan. 

Don't ask me why but Starbucks breakfast sandwich was all I wanted. It was my number one craving all of pregnancy but unfortunately.... it's Sunday now... Starbucks opens at 6am instead of 5am... So when I got to my moms my next goal was to make it to Starbucks for breakfast. Who knows how long it would be until I could eat again. It had already been almost 12 hours since I had a meal, so breakfast was necessary and was now my goal. Make it to 6am. Normally it takes around 40 minutes to get to my moms but no one was on the road and Matt definitely drove faster whenever I was having a contraction. My mom lives only a minute or two from Starbucks and about 5 minutes from the hospital. By the time I got to my moms waiting the extra 15 minutes to get to Starbucks seemed really silly... but at that point, I needed to eat. I sat in the rocking chair and struggled through contractions.  "you're in labor," my mom said "you should go" and I maintained "not without my breakfast sandwich"  #priorities. If you knew how many times I drove way out of my way to get a Starbucks breakfast sandwich before work or made Matt drive to Starbucks (which is no where near our house) to get me one, you'd realize the hilarity of the situation... My contractions were now much much closer, so Matt was getting really anxious. I compromised and told him I'd go wait in the car in the parking lot at Starbucks and we could bail if needed. At 5:59 he stood outside the door, at 6am he went in, and at 6:01 I was eating breakfast in the car heading to the hospital questioning out loud if it was a good idea to eat this breakfast sandwich that I was probably going to throw up.

Matt wasn't enthused by my sarcasm. 
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We arrived at the hospital and went into triage. The very first thing I was asked was "do you have a birth plan" and I laughed. "No... Nothing in my life goes according to plan so I'm just going to wing it." I did say my preference was to labor until I didn't want to anymore, get the epidural on time to relax a bit,  push the baby out in lightning speed, and call it a day and get some lunch!" ... But... I said it with a huge amount of sarcasm and followed up with a more serious answer..."Whatever needs to happen to make everyone safe, preferably not a C-section, but whatever we gotta do"... She checked my cervix, I was 5cm dilated, and 90% effaced. No prodromal labor!  "perfect timing" she said. The photographer also had in her contract that her goal was to get to hospital by 5cm dilated. Once we were moved into a delivery room, she joined us. Wow, I thought... So far everything has gone exactly as I would have planned if I had a plan. We met our Labor and Delivery nurse. As we started chatting with her we realized she was friends with my mom and used to run for a local group my mom ran for. My mom had shared some of my leg saga on facebook and she recalled it. I honestly didn't think my legs were going to be an issue what-so-ever. But it was really nice that through out the experience she checked in on my legs and how they were and if there was anything I needed to modify or do differently than she suggested. It was pretty unexpected to have that level of care. I labored with the  bosu "birthing ball" for quite a bit. Contractions were slower now than they were when we were driving (no bumps) but super intense. It was nice to have the sun coming up instead of midnight upon us for once. The hospital seemed so much less of a dreary place than it did at night for both of my other deliveries. I was using the bar on the bed to squat and move positions, and still had a lot of energy (even though I didn't sleep) ... was able to enjoy at least listening to conversations in between and just was breathing through them. Eventually, I needed to use the bathroom and apparently while I was in there the photographer (who is also a doula) said to my husband "she's going to have a really bad contraction in there"... and sure enough... I did. This is exactly why I basically dehydrated myself in the middle of the night. I had tried to avoid using the bathroom... the squatting and engaging seemed to speed things up and once I came out I labored a bit longer but quickly realized my desire to have the epidural could slip away in an instant like it did for Maebels birth if I hesitated any longer. I was still managing the pain well, but didn't want to anymore. This was my last opportunity to rest and relax before bringing a newborn into the world, so I asked for the epidural. 

It always takes way longer than you want it to. Once you tap out your mindset changes from managing pain to "make this stop" so I tried to maintain the mindset that I was still doing this without the epidural (since that's basically what I experienced with Maebel) but as I felt every contraction approach I would involuntarily say out loud "I don't think they are going to make.... (pause for intense pain) ..... it on time...." .... or "... I really don't want to do the ring of fire thing again" ... or "why did I wait so long? this is not what I wanted"...but in between the nurse encouraged me... "The anesthesiologist will be here soon, just keep breathing" ... soon enough he was there. I remember the anesthesia taking a long time with Maebel, but with Raea my memory is so distorted because the severity of the pain, the longevity of the labor, and... oh yeah... the morphine... But I thought maybe the length of time it took with Maebel was not normal or was related to the fact that I ended up basically crowning and was moving a lot and thus slowing down the placement... but this took a long time. I did get quite a bit of a headache after Maebel and had a really sore back for weeks because of the fact that I ended up basically jumping off the table from the strength of contractions, so my goal here was to not move a muscle. I became an expert at staying still for large needles. The needles I've had injected for the botox are pretty big and they go pretty deep. Precision with the injections for my legs is super important so I have to be very still. Same for this. The nurse stabilized and braced me really well, and I closed my eyes and just went to a different place.  After a test and a few questions of if I felt any sharpness, my back was taped up and I was laying back on the bed. "It'll be about 15 minutes until it's fully working but each contraction will get easier" ...​It's weird how memories flood back. I remember the moment this happened with Maebel and looking at the clock and thinking "15 minutes is too long" and then suddenly having to push. I was relieved to not feel that sudden urge... maybe I got it in time. Maybe this would go according to plan. A couple of contractions later, I thought I wasn't having them anymore and that all those horror stories of the Epidural stalling labor was happening to me, but the monitor still indicated that the contractions were still going strong, Praise the Lawwwwd!.... it worked.

Finally, I got to relax a bit! We chatted and laughed and Matt joked that he was watching my heart rate during the epidural placement and it was staying pretty controlled... Meanwhile his on his watch had spiked. He was like "I guess I really don't like needles"... and I said "but that doesn't happen when I get my botox injections" and he said "oh yes it does, I just don't tell you." All this time, I had no idea!  

Contractions continued but I could feel them again. They brought an intense amount of pressure but not too too much pain. Other than the one cervix check when I arrived, I had not had one. The internet was a pretty strange place just before giving birth. Of course I'm googling and my algorithm is shifting and I've been advertised every single unmedicated birth strategy on the planet (for some reason medicated doesn't seem to hit that viral level to circulate my news feed... maybe because it's the "easy way out"... as if anything about pregnancy and birth is easy)... but I had read and seen so many stories about how to advocate needs and wants during labor and I just have to say I did not need to do any of that.

Want to have your membranes stripped? We can do that but only if you request. 
Want to schedule an induction? Okay. Want to reschedule it ... we can do that. (I moved mine from Wednesday the 21st to Monday the 26th without anyone batting an eye) 
Want an epidural? Tell me when. 
Want your cervix checked? No? Thats okay- just trust your body.

At this point I was curious how far I had progressed and when I requested a check I was 9cm. At this point they called the on call doctor to prepare her that I was really close. She was in a C-section so a resident came in to introduce herself. She asked if I wanted her to break my water and I declined. It will happen when it's time. Sure enough, one more contraction  with a lot of pressure and "pop" my water was broken, and before I knew it I was squirming asking to push. They did one more cervical exam to confirm and the nurse said "Lets have a baby"

According to my chart, it was 7 minutes between when my water broke and when I held Iris in my arms. The doctor was finished with her C-section and came in and introduced herself. From her perspective we had never encountered one another... but from my perspective, I had an HCG labwork pending in my MyChart from her that I never got... She was the doctor on call when I started bleeding during my second miscarriage and I didn't need anymore lab work once I saw an empty sac on the ultrasound. I became really superstitious once Iris was deemed "viable"... I didn't want to delete or move or change anything and jinx the pregnancy... So every time I logged into MyChart this Doctors face popped up with a reminder that I could get my HCG checked to see if it was doubling... I think I avoided scheduling with her for that reason. She ended up only seeing me one time in the office and it was after my second bout of covid so I was wearing a full N95. This appointment was a reschedule and it was just before my anatomy scan which also got rescheduled due to covid... so I was an anxious mess and could not stop crying. I had so many superstitions this whole pregnancy, and for some reason this particular doctor was linked to a few of them... but now she's about to deliver my baby and bring this full circle and hopefully help me begin to heal and let go of some of these irrational thoughts. 

It was time to push and I was incredibly surprised by how bad it still hurt. It wasn't "ring of fire" bad but when I had Raea I felt nothing during the pushing phase. Since I had morphine for her I didn't actually know how well the morphine worked in conjunction with the epidural... (now I do know, That shit was magical!) I began pushing and as the contraction ended I was told to take a break and I told them "no way, it hurts too bad... I'm getting this baby out now"... I pushed again and Matt indicated that without the contraction she doesn't move very far. So I tried to take a break but it was just soooo uncomfortable to sit in that pressure when I could just keep pushing through it! I asked if I could push again and I just knew I needed to push harder. As I pushed a felt a contraction coming on like a wave about to break right behind you.... and I pushed again and in a literal wave and gush of water out she came. When my water broke, a lot of it was behind her and so she came out with a huge splash that shocked everyone. Even though it was an intense moment, there was a little laughter. 

I looked down and I could see her! 

I did see they quickly removed the cord from her neck. I had read it was common to have it wrapped and this was a big fear of mine, but it was loose and didn't impact her breathing at all. Thank goodness.  They put her on my chest, and I just lost it... A relief I will never be able to put into words... I sobbed. June 25th, exactly one year after I took that very first Earth shattering pregnancy test that sent me down this long and really difficult path that all lead here, to the most indescribable moment of my life. ​

Just a few hours earlier, I was having literal panic attacks that the cord was strangling her and she'd be a stillborn and until the very moment I saw her and heard her, I honestly didn't know I'd ever hold her... I didn't know she'd be healthy. I didn't believe any of the tests or any of the scans because even though it's rare for them to be wrong.... I'm rare. and I always thought it would protect my heart more to at least harbor some belief that something could go wrong... because then when it did at least I would feel prepared (even though that is not true at all... thats what I told myself)... but what I wasn't prepared for was for everything to go perfectly. Everything went smooth from beginning to end. ​

After going through so much, you stop believing everything happens for a reason... and I still don't believe it does... but I do believe that you can always pivot... and that's what I've done for my entire path to Motherhood. Raea wasn't planned, Maebel was a back up plan, and Iris was a back up on back up on back up plan.... and even though I had a hard time believing this was all going to work out, I never stopped taking the steps to re-write the plan and create something new and beautiful out of whatever ugly situation I had been dealt. 

My desire to track fitness during pregnancy has dwindled along with my motivation to be fit. I'm currently 39 weeks pregnant and impatiently waiting for this baby to arrive! I've continued my Peloton streak minus one day (The Boston Marathon) and the amount of meditation I've done or amount of meditation I've turned on and fallen asleep to has DRAMATICALLY increased in the last week or two. That's okay! You'd be surprised how annoying it is to just hit start on these 10 minute things... but how good it is for continuing to be consistent with hopes it carries over postpartum. Once again, the vast majority of blog followers are PAES people, so I'll briefly touch on the pregnancy and focus more on how my legs have been. 

Week 28:
This week was Easter Sunday. We had a growth scan and baby is measuring ahead which was a big relief since I've been worried about IUGR the entire pregnancy due to a slightly low PAPP-A (which the doctor said wasn't low but google said was... my habit of googling for PAES definitely carried over into pregnancy!)... This week I definitely put the focus more on the habit of any form of movement, and not putting any pressure to do much more. My groin and back are already not great so self preservation all the way to the end! 
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Week 29:
I'm labeling things wrong... I forget if I'm heading into a week or finishing a week... But to lose track even for just a second is amazing... because so much of my entire year has been consumed with fear and how the baby is doing, her chance of survival outside the womb etc. etc..... If I've lost track it means I had a mentally good week where I wasn't counting down every second. This was also the first and only week since I started the streak that I missed a day! It was the day of the Boston Marathon, my plan was to do a sleep meditation but I fell asleep before I did it. 

Lots of PAES conversations this week. Lots of reliving my own experience. Another runner that I know from social media and from briefly running for her and her husbands coaching company found out that her CECS symptoms were returning and was wondering about PAES. It is unfortunate that McGinley's research on CECS and PAES being the same root cause but different severity hasn't hit the masses yet, but hopefully it does so that unnecessary and highly invasive surgeries stop being performed. Anyway, it just so happened that my husbands company joined up with their coaching company for many events, so we chatted a bit and she headed to McGinley and got the same diagnosis I have. There's no easy path... Not even the botox... it's so much harder than McGinley makes it out to be (I will remind the clinic of this every single time... because the expectation to just get back to it after Botox is unrealistic. It's very hard even though I'm very confident it's the best path if it was financially easier to access there's NO QUESTION)

This was a great week overall in my life. I reminisced in the fact that I finished the Boston Marathon after being told by multiple doctors that I would lose my legs and never run again! I also went back and read so much of my own journey so that I could be certain I was communicating it clearly... and I'm just so damn proud of myself. It took a hell of a lot of courage to do... and I just fucking did it.... and ya know what.... I feel that way about this pregnancy too. Against the odds, I had two losses in a row... and so many forums and messages were to wait... and I just fucking did it. I just keep going. I realize the fact that I can get pregnant very easily is a contributing factor to that part of my story.... but I've been tested a lot this year and I'm pretty fricken proud of my courage to just keep going (even though I'm legitimately certifiable at times)... and then.... looking back on Matt and I's journey with the company On... tiny company he started working for when I was pregnant with Maebel.... all the sacrifices we made... and then the shoes and logo of this once tiny company stood on top of the podium at the Boston Freaking Marathon. What a ride. 

Week 30
After a lot of conversation about PAES and what I believe is the best method for return to running (bodyweight suspension)... I decided to walk on the Lever as a workout with the Peloton class running. It definitely felt good to use the lever and take some weight off... But the shorts don't fit so well... but it's something I'm excited to use postpartum. As it's gotten warmer outside I've wanted to walk more and as I walk more I have noticed an increase in leg pain. It's just hard to tell what is pregnancy, what is paes, and what is both? I don't know what normal is anymore. I did get a doctors note to not work recess duty anymore. By friday my legs hurt pretty bad... and Fridaiy was my duty day. I just can't handle still having 10 weeks to worry about my legs on top of the pregnancy. My legs are still such a massive trigger for me being a total grump. Even though it is starkly different now than before I had a solution... I don't love the idea of having to live in pain for a year after having the baby OR having to decide to stop breastfeeding in order to get treatment. The unknown is hard to swallow. But I still kept up my streak. 

Week 31
Yup... Leg pain getting in my head. The more walking I do the worse it is... so back to just short basic workouts. I really wanted to use my compression boots this week because I felt like I could keep up with more physical activities if I used them... but when I googled using them during pregnancy there was a mention of not using them with a DVT and then my thoughts started spiraling. "what if I have a DVT and I'll never know because I always have calf pain!" I recalled a couple traumatic postpartum moments  of being rushed by ambulance because of leg swelling, calf pain, and the thought that I might have a DVT... and now I"m worried I'll never know! I've done so much advocating for myself I just decided to tell the doctor I needed an ultrasound of my legs early postpartum to ensure I can decipher between PAES pain and what could be a DVT. Ruling out a DVT post partum would help me a lot. The doctor did say any vascular entrapment does increase my chances of a DVT (though still rare) so it was added to my chart that I'd been seen 2-3 weeks postpartum for an ultrasound on my legs. 

Week 32:
If it's not my calves it's my groin. Womp womp. SO sore in my groin. Not much else to report for this week in terms of PAES. But I've accepted that returning to any physical exercise is going to first require rehabbing my groin (which fortunately I have a really good idea of what needs to be done)... but no big deal since I have to wait to do to much other stuff due to calves anyway... TBD. 

Week 33: 
Because of my groin, I've put more focus into single leg exercises so all the classes I pick have a single leg element to it. Lots of curtsy lunges and deadlifts. I was solo parenting this week. It's also the week my second loss would be due. I remember Matt not loving the due date because it was the most important week of the year for his job... Not that that was more important than the baby, but I was afraid to be overly emotional while he was gone, but surprisingly it was just a relief to have these dates I've tracked behind me. Also... Getting through his big travel was good. Solo parenting, working full time, just a month before baby reaches term.... and a body that hates life... It was a lot to take on but we crushed it! 

Week 34:
As you'll see from the screenshots of what I shared on instagram... I am losing enthusiasm for tracking workouts. I'm just going through the motions. The goal is no longer to exercise (and honestly it really hasn't been for a while) but I've got my eyes on the other side of pregnancy and just having habits in place to help combat whatever depression, anxiety or weird intrusive thoughts that I've experienced in the past. Having ONE THING to anchor myself too will help. Keeping up with the streak now will help me lock into it later... So I keep going. 

Week 35: 
I've been pushing myself at work to get as much prepared for the next year as I can. I don't know what is on the other side of delivery in terms of my health.... I've got a lot going on. With my legs, and my groin I'm physically barely able to function... and even though I'm regularly in therapy... I just don't know what things will look like. The Doctor did say at this point in pregnancy if I really think I'll have bad depression they can start medication since it takes a while to kick in so it'll be in effect before Postpartum depression hits... but I just want to see what I'm dealing with first. Could be anxiety could be depression, could be that I'm in a really good place? who knows! I'm just not ready to take a medication that might alter how I experience my final baby coming into the world. I want to feel all the feels and then decide what to do. But I need to be prepared for whatever happens physically or emotionally so I have been CRUSHING myself to write as many data sheets and lessons etc. etc. for next years roster. One less things to think about.... especially since work is one of my top triggers for anxiousness. I don't need that! Best way for me to handle it is to be in front of it.... so lots of meditation in between lots of stress. 

Week 36:
Just surviving. I hit a big milestone this week though: One full year of pregnancy. Still a couple more weeks before I took that first positive test, but man oh man has it been quite the ride. Not the year I had in mind what-so-ever. A year ago I was running... really running. I had plans to get more botox, I signed up for a summer 5k training group knowing how much I needed to work on speed. Big sigh... Wild ride. I wouldn't change it... but Holy hell... I wouldn't wish it on anyone either. 

Week 37-39: 
I started having lots of contractions! Ugh! We had so much we needed to do so of course....  but baby stayed in. I did have one false alarm and ended up going to the hospital for a cervical check 2 cm dilated, 75% effaced... but once again dealing with baby's head not aligning correctly with the "exit".... Which is what happened with Maebel that I'm convinced caused the groin pain. It all checks out, makes sense why my groin is so bad. I detached myself from the internet once this started happening. I have the temptation to share and then people respond and then I'm eye-rolling and hating people even though they are not the problem... It's just a stressful time. So I committed to not sharing any more of my journey on social media (if someone comes and reads it here, they are committed! ahhhahaha) .... but in terms of workouts... it's basically just meditating and restorative yoga, and breath work to kick this baby out.... 

Anyway. This will be my last update until I have the baby. I'm 39+1... both my babies were born at 40+2, so we'll see!

Looking forward to writing my third and final birth story, my most popular posts by far... and I hope it's a boring one! haha. "Had contractions, went to hospital, got epidural, chilled out, hit 10cm, pushed baby out! She's here!"

But I doubt it..... 

Stay tuned!