Countdown to Boston: 5 weeks to Go

Last week I ran a total of 12 miles... This week I more than doubled that. Definitely not the recommended progression, but I'm in uncharted territory here. Worst case scenario my calves blow and I can't do Boston... and to be honest, my anxiety about the next 5 weeks and the race is so high that maybe it would be great to just have that removed from my expectations... But I don't have the ability to just simply.... NOT DO IT. I'm sure I'll have regrets if I don't try so I HAVE TO TRY... Even though it may just kill me. Onward. 

Monday: 1 mile ish... Then I fell in a river. 
Honestly... This was the best feeling I've had all week.... Really took the anxiety off. Basically I went running in the trails near my house after a staff meeting... and I tried to cross a log... and turns out you need calf stability to cross a wobbly log... but... I'm stubborn and fell right in even after attempting to do it with my phone out. I put my phone away and still tried again and fell shoulders deep. Fortunately it was rather warm out and daylight saving time allowed me to get back to the car before it got too cold. 

Tuesday: 5.26 miles 13:31
Walk/ran at the railtrail. I don't know, I just kept going because all I've ever thought about this whole time is running on the railtrail. This was very nice even though I was pretty anxious, the walking definitely helped. I was most relieved when it just.... Was over. 

Wednesday: Crossfit
This was a great re-start to crossfit. Last week they finished the opens so it's a "down week". We did lots of running specific exercises. I did 4 x 8 deadlifts at 125lbs, bulgarian split squats, jumprope, burpies and overhead press, and box stepups. All really good for running in general and it was a small class so it was easy for me to chill out and not compete. 

Thursday: 5 miles 12:02/mi
Easy running after school. A common thread this week is increasing anxiety about running. It seems every run I should be more happy that things are improving, but really every run I'm afraid even more. More and more and more I'm feeling closer to the Boston Marathon and then I realize I've already done this song and dance so many times (get excited for Boston and then have my calf blow) that I'm just afraid to feel that feeling again. I'm bracing myself for the inevitable.... If I get to the starting line that will be a miracle... The finish? ha! I try not to picture it but nothing would bring me more joy right now than to DO THAT! So I feel like I've got something to lose again for the first time in a while.

Friday: Therapy and 3.4 miles 13:09/mi
We put together a safety plan for therapy because... ya know... if you dig way back you can see I've had some pretty dark moments that resulted in calling a crisis line... so we're trying to get in front of that. Kinda nice that I can have in my safety plan "watch TV"... as to distract myself. "don't mind if I do!".... anyway. The weather was perfect so after my therapy we packed up the girls and went to a local playground with a .5 mile walking path. I can't tell you how many times I've had an "episode" on this path so... yeah... the PTSD was raging. But every loop I got to see my kids and that was nice at least. 

Saturday: 2.5 miles Mostly walking and drills
The girls had dance this morning. My husband went to NYC to meet with a friend for the day and so I had to solo parent all day. It was raining and I got out there anyway. I started off with a run but my anxiety was too high about it so I just walked mostly the rest of the way. Then I did some drills and some strides. I'm definitely "reprogramming" and I feel like I'm starting to have a less awkward stride... but I just cant tell if it's my fear or actual paralysis or my weight gain that is making running so hard- but it's hard as hell. 

Sunday: 9 miles 13:59/mi
I wrote training plans all morning and one of my athletes made a comment that the 10 minute sections were too long but the 5 minute sections went well and it dawned on me that I was trying to run 1 mile and then walk... but because I'm so slow 1 mile is a long time before a walk! So I decided "Fuck it" I'm going to just do 5 minutes on and 5 minutes off for 2 hours. I figured I've already run 1 hour consecutively so breaking it up is NBD and I've gotta get my time on feet up... and the weather was perfect. My original plan was to do 2 miles in one direction then back to the car for fuel and the 2 miles in the other direction and then call it a day so that I was never more than 2 miles from the car... But again, my sentimental side got to me. All I've envisioned this whole time was a long run on the railtrail...so when I hit 2 miles I kept going... and then I hit 3 and kept going... and 4... I ran 4.5 miles out and felt great.... But then I freaked out... Like FREAKED OUT! Suddenly I realize how far 4.5 miles was and how long that would take to walk... I took it one section of running at a time and texted Matt each time to distract myself. I definitely felt a tiny bit of nerve twinging on a few of the intervals on my way back... and that had me stressed out. Will it ever go away? I don't really know... but... 9 F'ing miles! 2 hours! Only 4 hours to go. 
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All in all it was a really good week physically. Emotionally I have some work to do. I figure this stress wont subside until after Boston is either done or I am sure I can't do it or I have to drop out. I'm not expecting to make it to the finish line at this point, but I absolutely must try my hardest to finish so we'll see how this upcoming week goes.