THROWBACK: I'm a Headcase

Here is an blogpost that demonstrates me being a headcase circa 2011.... I'm still a headcase 8 years later, but it's all centered around my injuries and the confusion of being "semi-injured" all the time. Right now, I haven't run in over a month... not because I can't, but because "been there, done that" I already know based on the first step out of bed that my foot is going to eventually be a problem when I hit peak mileage.... so right now I'm in a happy place because I have a concrete plan (wait until orthotics and then proceed with hope and caution). There isn't really much part of me lacking motivation, but my body continues to say no. If I knew then what I know now conversations like below would never occur. My children have been the cure to the below problem of procrastination. I used to think I was busy and tired.... but man, I was wrong! Enjoy the struggle of a privledged mid 20 something girl who’s biggest stressor was her daily run.

February 3, 2011

​I'm a headcase... 
Here are my text message exchanges after work today... Sure I could have spent that time a bit more wisely... but at the end of the day, I did what I needed to do... I RAN.

3:50 John- Not sure if I want to run roads today what are you thinking?
3:52 RE John- I'm interviewing at the gym. Hill reps after

4:46 RE John- Got a new job. ZERO motivation to run!
4:47 John- Congrats but run anyway!
5:02 RE John- I'm lazy and cold... I'll think about it

5:07 TO Matthew- I can't run
5:07 Matthew- Neither can I... What is up with you?
5:08 RE Matthew: Lazy
5:10 RE Matthew: I'm supposed to do hill repeats and I don't want to. Roads are terrible. I'm depressed over this
5:11 Matthew- Just run up and down your street. Who even cares if you go fast
5:11 RE Matthew- I am too cold
5:12 Matthew- Put on my f state sweatshirt. That thing is warm
5:13 RE Matthew: It's at home. I'm at my parents... Maybe I'll go home
5:14 Matthew: It might be better to run around the college there. Safer, and more light
5:15 RE Matthew: I don't want to run :( I got a job though...
5:15 Matthew- That is cool. You will have more money
5:16 RE Matthew: More Friends.
5:18 RE Matthew: I'm lazy. I need a kick in the rear. I just don't want to run.

5:19 TO Caitlin F: At my parents whining about a run I need to do. Wanna run?

5:20 Matthew: You do... Just go do it and you can complain about it all you want while you are running
5:22 RE Matthew: I just want to run without guilt and complaining :( I feel burdened.
5:22 Matthew- Running helps with that
5:24 RE Matthew: ........ I seriously have issues......

5:25 Caitlin F- Sorry, Class
5:25 RE Caitlin F: Darn

5:26 Matthew- You can run for me. I want to run so badly
5:27 RE Matthew: NOT FAIR! Makes the guilt worse!!

5:29 TO Matthew: YES! JANE NEEDS TO RUN! 

5:34 Neel- Run at 6:30ish?
5:35 RE Neel: Running with my sister at the college
5:59 John- 10 Minutes. Now! I just did 8 miles in 61:30. You can surely go 10 minutes

It's not that I don't want to run at all... I just want running to be fun and free. When I run with company, it keeps my mind off of the "training." I didn't do my workout, but I don't care. At least I ran! I got in 45 minutes with Jane, and it went by really fast. I just have to focus on one step at a time.

Glad I'll get to work at Central Rock! This will give me an opportunity to meet new friends who AREN'T runners, but are still fit and healthy. I'm excited :)

This was the type of conversation I'd have everyday inside my head... "I don't wanna, I can't, I'm too cold, this sucks, why am I doing this?" Since I entered this sport as a High School athlete, then went on to run collegiately at the National level, I never really made my own choice to run, I always had to. I graduated college in 2006 and finished my eligibility in 2007 as a grad student, and it took a very long time to find my new why. Some people take a break after college and rediscover their love for the sport later. They find their why in the down time... I found my why while still training and competing which was really conflicting at times. Some days (most days) I just wasn't motivated to go on my own. I always thought that this meant I wasn't dedicated, but I was. Every day I still got it done regardless of my flip-flopping emotions. After having my children my motivation never waivers this strongly. I just hope that I can find my way to healthy running again... but if not, I will retire in the climbing gym. That was a cool side job and a cool new hobby I'd love to pick up again.